Finally, I Cry

Last night I cried.

I felt horrible. I cried for myself. Those tears were for me. They were for me because I have been through so much. Thinking about the abuse I’ve been through made me extremely sad and scared and angry. I immediately I wanted to hurt myself. I always use destructive coping mechanisms to get rid of the tears and get numbed out. I’ve been hurting myself for 10 years now. But I want to quit self harm so badly. It’s not making me feel better. It’s making everything worse. So last night I cried and instead of hurting myself I kept crying. This was the first time I allowed myself to cry because of what happened in the past.Maybe it sounds weird but the crying was helping me. It was calming me down. And crying is way better than self harm. It’s okay to feel sad and anxious, it’s okay to cry. For the first time I could notice that I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t want to get hurt again. So why would I do it myself? Isn’t that a stupid solution? I finally can see that I am a victim and I don’t deserve punishment. I deserve kindness. After being hurt so badly (by the abusers and by myself) I deserve kindness. Nothing more nothing less. And crying is a peaceful way of coping. I’m so glad that I found out crying is really working. I felt at peace with myself. I felt free. I was able to connect with my pain. I could let my emotions flow and that’s what makes a person feel better. That’s what helped me last night.