Coyote

Weds, July 25, 2018

Trauma. Abuse. Victim. Survivor. Co-dependent. Narcissist. Covert. Abandonment. Empath. Attachment. Disorder.

At times, these labels are comforting. At others, disturbing and a very poor fit.

“They usually go after the weak ones.”—words from a friend.

How can I tell you that you are victim blaming if I don’t allow myself the label of victim? It feels too passive. Powerless.

I made choices, too?

After months and months of psychological abuse, however, one may be surprised to learn that grit and resilience are not so close at hand. Options elude a woman subjected to domestic violence over, and over, and over again.

Like a frog, unknowingly boiling to death in tepid water heated over a long period of time.

That’s how it works, you know. They minimize, devalue, and gaslight you to the point where you can no longer find the EXIT. Over time, you become so isolated from yourself that even your basic instincts can’t be trusted. Like walking around in a thick fog, you disassociate and you survive another day.

disoriented & alone.

When it began, I was already questioning my own mind, perception, and memory.

You brought me to tears in front of your daughter on multiple occasions. Usually, in the car where neither of us could make a safe exit. You yelled until I cried and held myself, self soothing, and then silence. Just 6 years old, that little girl had no choice but to watch and listen. I wonder how that kind of trauma will affect her ability to choose a suitable mate someday. With your example, she will inevitably believe that this is a normal way for women and girls to be treated.

I met your ex.

Her nerves are shot.

She shakes.

Her eyes dart from one person to the next as I return her daughter back to her.

Now, I know why.

The shame is so heavy. So, I keep my darkest memories tucked away for fear of being asked that age-old question, “WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST LEAVE?”

Remember the frog? Had the water been boiling when I first dipped my toes in, surely, I would have jumped out. When we met, the water was lukewarm and inviting. You were warm and kind.

Hook, line, and sinker.

Broken. Used up. Beyond repair. Traumatized. C-PTSD. Abused. Shattered. Finished.

Resilience has always been one of my best qualities.

Thankfully, the story is far from over.

In time, I will forgive you. The burden is too heavy to bear.

But for today, anger and hate will have to suffice.

AND FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PATHETIC SHELL OF A MAN.

YOU ARE A coyote, AND I WILL FIND YOU IN YOUR DEN

YOU PROWL CRAIGSLIST EVERY NIGHT

LOOKING FOR NEW SUPPLY

PREDATORY

GARBAGE

SMALL

SAD

BOY