Believe in Yourself, Always

Preparing For The Trial

The morning of May 7th, 2017 I lumbered out of bed. It was another restless night and I stirred at the slightest sounds. He was a Captain with the local Fire Department, a hero in the community. I just couldn’t process how someone in a position of trust and someone I loved so dearly could commit such a violent act? How did an argument escalate so quickly?

Coffee in one hand and a pen in the other, I sat in my new surroundings and began to write out the timeline of events from that night in as much detail as I could. I submitted several pieces of evidence to the police, my written statement, photographs and the text message exchange. Upon reporting, I also provided a recorded audio victim statement.

As I hung in the balance of the court system I tried to live a normal life. The new normal was different - I moved, I changed vehicles and license plates, I checked in with friends or family when I was going somewhere alone. I was hyper vigilant of my surroundings.

I blocked his email and phone number and disconnected from our circle of friends and neighbors.

There were plenty of times I just wanted to quit. I had a lot of anxiety as court dates neared and not having court closure held me back from focusing on my healing journey.

I sought support from friends, family and a victim services advocate. I also saw a counselor to help with the acute PTSD symptoms. I couldn’t bear the pain, confusion and fear alone and I needed these amazing souls in my life. I will always be forever grateful that they listened, offered encouragement, gave me hugs and wiped away my tears.

A positive mindset was key. Through all of the setbacks, disappointments and frustration I felt with the court delays,  all I could do was manage my own emotions. When doubt crept in, I would acknowledge it and then replace those thoughts by envisioning success. I went as far as writing my Victim Impact Statement months in advance of having a conviction.

In total there were 12 adjournments including 2 cancelled trials. Six different Crown Prosecutors handled my case which resulted in over 100 email communications to keep the latest lawyer up to date. It is worth noting that some of these emails were discussions on what my stance was on settling for a lesser sentence. In Canada, a Peace Bond is the lowest disposition aside from no conviction. Once that order expires it purges from the system like it never happened. Due to the level of violence I incurred, I would not agree to the proposed lenient resolution and insisted we move forward to a trial.

I practiced my testimony more times that I can count. I researched the laws, types of convictions and how lawyers ask questions. I took a tour of the courtroom so I could see where the tables were positioned, where the judge and lawyers sat and where the witness stand was.

Day Of The Trial

I wanted my presence to look and be credible. I wore a professional knee length black dress, black heels and tied my hair back.

I was petrified and had a complete meltdown when the lawyer came to get me. My vocal cords froze and I couldn’t utter a word. A short recess was granted so I could compose myself. My supporters whispered words of encouragement and stood by my side. I dabbed away the tears, took a few deep breaths and prayed for the strength and grace to find my voice and eloquently deliver my truth.

Some valuable advice I received was to take my emotion out of the courtroom and just state the facts. I needed to keep my composure so the judge could hear my story and make the best decision. Upon entering the courtroom my ex spun around in his chair and attempted to intimidate me. I could feel his icy glare from across the room, but I never made eye contact with him. I hadn’t been in his presence since that fateful night.

The judge entered the courtroom and I was called to the stand. I listened to each question intently and paused before responding. As expected the defense lawyer attempted to twist and turn my reality with ambiguous questions - a plethora of nonsense fabricated from his clients version of events. I reminded myself it was his job to attempt to break me down and throw me off. He was looking for one inconsistency in my story to swing the pendulum in their favor. It was an intense and exhausting 1.5 hours of testifying.

After 20 long months, my ex was found guilty and sentenced to an 18 month Probation Order with a Suspended Sentence - which meant he now owned his very own criminal record. He could no longer hide and had been exposed for the malicious covert narcissist that he is and always will be.

As he had no prior record, this was the stiffest sentence that could be imposed. I felt relieved, empowered and victorious as I proudly stood before the judge at the sentencing to read my Victim Impact Statement. My truth was finally validated and he was held accountable.

As I exited the courthouse, I literally jumped for joy as my new future free from violence embraced me with open arms.

Believe In Yourself Always.

-lesleylivinfit