A Letter to the Guy Who Changed Me Forever

Dear S,

You broke me, no, you tore my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, then set it on fire. And yet, I’m still trying to put out this fire that’s been smoldering for two years. Two years ago, in November, is when you came up to visit. I thought you were the best person ever when I first met you in person, but then you made the person I was go away, you killed her. You killed me. You made me think it was love when you forced me to do something I didn’t want to do. You said, “That’s what guys do to show their love.” I don’t know how much I cried after the first time. I don’t know how much I hated myself for loving you and blamed myself for all four times you sexually assaulted me. I thought it was my fault because I loved you, but then I thought that was what love was because that’s what you said. I was disgusted with myself. I don’t know how many times I cried when I was in the shower or when I looked in the mirror. I remember when it happened I said no every single time. I froze; I didn’t want it to happen.I cried, and I cried. It was like when it was happening I was saying no but you didn’t hear. I watched it happened as it felt like I was out of my body watching it happen, screaming. I remember your touch, your voice, your breath. I remember EVERYTHING. You destroyed me. I didn’t want to live. I remember I always thought “what did I do to deserve this?” You successfully became a thief that week and a half. You took part of me with you when you went back home. You took the part of me who loved herself; you took the innocent part of me. I hate you. You made me believe that you actually loved me.There’re nights I don’t sleep because I’m paranoid. I always feel like you’re watching me. There’re days where I can’t help myself but think, “No one really wants me. They only want one thing from me.” You made me feel that way. I’ve been scared to fall in love because of you. You have become all men. I’ve fallen in love but because of my issues that you helped create I lost them, and now they’re with someone else. They were the best thing that happened to me and always will be. I’m happy for them because they were able to escape my mess. You taught me that no one would love me for me, that I am not valuable, that I have no worth. I believed those things, but I know they’re not true. You turned my world around. This sounds weird but there are days that I miss you, and I don’t know why.I want to say you are one lucky asshole. I didn’t speak up for seven months so you got off free. I never got and never will get justice. I will always live with the memories, the feelings of your hands on me, the emotions, the flashbacks, the words. I will always live with you, you have made a home in my mind, and you haven’t left. I thought you were going to leave at one point after my ex-friend who dated you after me finally stopped contacting me but guess what that was a false alarm. You then decided to have a friend, or someone related to you contact me and you lit that fire again. That fire is still burning and smoldering. It will always smolder, some days less than others.You tore my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, then set it on fire. And this fire is still smoldering.Sincerely, the girl who replaced the one who you hold captive.