Perhaps the most shocking aspect of being in a toxic relationship is how quickly it creeps up on you.

It seems like all the steps in life lead you to it. What if we choose something else? What if I did ZYX instead of XYZ?I was 17 when I decided I was going to enlist in the military. It took many calls and emails to finally reach a recruiter. He was assigned to me because of my geographic location and it was his job to help me put together paperwork and arrange all the pre-screening events. At this time, I was in high school and with my high school boyfriend, let’s call him Ryan.Ryan was as supportive as any other immature high school kid. Ryan was roughly a year younger than me age and grade-wise.The process of my enlistment was not typical. It took much longer than average; I needed a waiver. My recruiter fought for me; he spent extra time on my case because I made a positive impression on him. He personally advocated my acceptance.A year later, I had graduated high school and had one year of community college under my belt when I accepted orders to basic training. I was beyond excited. I remember getting the phone call from my recruiter like it was yesterday.I packed my bag full of required items and said my goodbyes to my friends and my boyfriend. The next few months of basic were a blur. I was so dedicated to my training and consumed by patriotism, I hardly had any time to think about anything else. I turned 19 while at basic training.Ryan and I had discussed our future before I had shipped to basic training. We had talked about the possibility of marriage and the possibility of children in our future (his sister had a child, so we were with his niece a lot, and it was on our minds). We never talked about breaking it off; it was always “us against the world.” I think many teenagers see their first serious relationship this way: so finite, so permanent. About week five of basic, I got orders to a small unit out East. I was able to call my boyfriend to tell him the news! I’m sure it was completely terrifying for him to hear me in such military mode and so excited to be going to a new place without him. We exchanged our “I love you”s and “can’t wait to see you”s. I asked him how his niece was, and then I had to end the call. Did I mention these calls were monitored and timed by our drill sergeants? It was finally graduation day from basic! We received promotions from E-1 to E-2 (military pay grades are E for enlisted and numbered based on rank). My parents, best friend (same age as me, let’s call her Jamie), and Ryan drove from the Midwest all the way to the training center, just under 1000 miles.I was totally caught off guard when Ryan proposed to me on the beach the night of graduation. I didn’t feel like myself that day, specifically, I wasn’t back to myself. Basic had transformed me into a military robot. Yes, sir; no, sir; I was still marching like a GI Joe not walking like a normal 19-year-old; I stood at the position of attention without realizing it, etc… The proposal wasn’t some grand romantic gesture like the movies. It was awkward. We were just a couple kids. As soon as I saw the ring he picked out, I remember thinking it was so plain and boring, and I really did not like it. This guy didn’t even know me. I would NEVER pick out a diamond ring for myself. My choice would be quirky and unique. I was the furthest thing from old fashioned and traditional. Still, before me was Ryan, a shy, nervous mess asking to marry me. In the moment, I didn’t think I had any choice but to say yes. I thought I was in love with him. I thought I understood love.

As soon as I saw the ring he picked out, I remember thinking it was so plain and boring, and I really did not like it. This guy didn’t even know me. I would NEVER pick out a diamond ring for myself. My choice would be quirky and unique.

We talked that night and decided we would get married down the road, give it a year or so before we made it final. I had five days of leave in between basic and my next unit, and I had other things I needed to do and think about. Marriage was not on the list. We were still a thousand miles away from ‘home.’ I still needed to pack up my SUV and drive to my first permanent duty station (PDS).Once my car was packed, I began my solo journey to my new PDS. I had to stay overnight at a random hotel. It was my first night truly alone with my thoughts since this new life adventure began. I was so overwhelmed with excitement, fear, and apprehension. I showed up to my unit and began the daily life of a low ranking female in the military (it involves a lot of cleaning and training and a surprising amount of studying and memorizing).Now before I keep going with my story, I want to stress that this is not another military sexual assault or military sexual harassment story. My experience as a female in the military was nothing but positive. The men I worked and lived with at my first unit were my brothers. There were a few other females at my unit, and we all got along great. At my next unit, there was a smaller number of people I was close with, because it was such a larger unit and had many more females. My barracks room was tiny, and it was a very long drive to get to town to do anything. We did not have wifi for personal use, only government computers that are “for official use only.” I began to fall into depression and was counting the days until Ryan’s first visit to see me. I planned the whole weekend, got a hotel (he could not stay in my barrack’s room), and planned out all the places I wanted to bring him!

We decided that weekend we did not want to be apart any longer and decided to move forward with getting married.

My mom and my bridesmaid’s planned most of the wedding for me. The reception and ceremony were going to take place in our hometown. We just wanted a small, no-big-deal get-together. I picked the weekend based on my cousin’s baby shower. I could take a week of leave and be there for her baby shower and get married in the same narrow time frame. My mom and maid of honor (yes, that would be Jamie) sprang into action along with my other two closest friends. Ryan’s sister was also a bridesmaid, though she didn’t really do much- his family never really fit with my circle of family and friends. Before I knew it, I was crafting up floral arrangements in my barrack room and going wedding dress shopping when I was off duty. I was so in-the-moment of planning I never stopped to think about what it was going to mean to be married.It was finally the week to drive back to my hometown and get married. My friends were so excited and my mom was so emotional. The one thing that stands out the most from that week was how unemotional I was. I felt disconnected to it. I didn’t feel like a head-over-heels in love bride. I didn’t cry. I did none of the rom-com bride-to-be stereotypical things. I do remember lying in bed the night before the wedding, alone, wondering what I was supposed to be feeling and what would be different about tomorrow night.The day of the wedding and reception was a blur. From posing for pictures to talking with family, and squeezing in an “engagement style” fall photo shoot, we were pretty busy all day.

Late that night after the reception and arriving back at my parent’s house, the only thing I really remember was thinking, “Ok, you got married today. Now what?”

We got married at the courthouse. It was so awkward to be standing up in front of my family, my head full of confusing thoughts, holding hands with Ryan and repeating back the nonsensical “and with this ring, I thee wed.” He looked so young, so awkward. We looked so young and so awkward. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans and I was in a semi-formal fitted plum dress and amazingly high stilettos. We didn’t look like we belonged next to each other, but there we were. The day went on as planned with no real mishaps to report. Late that night after the reception and arriving back at my parent’s house, the only thing I really remember was thinking, “Ok, you got married today. Now what?”I drove back to Pennsylvania and arrived at the apartment I had set up prior to taking leave. This was my first night in the newly wed apartment and I was alone, sleeping on a single futon because we couldn’t afford a mattress and bed frame yet. Ryan would arrive the next week. Our lives were totally separate from each other up until this point. We never talked about finances, never talked about household responsibilities, not about anything we should have. It was a recipe for a disaster and a disaster it was. But, my story isn’t really about Ryan. It just starts with Ryan. It’s just important to break down the steps and decisions that led me to the next part of my life. Every decision led me further away from Ryan and closer to this past summer. Ryan wasn’t a mistake. We were young and the bottom line is the military pushes you into the military architype. It pushed me into believing to be happy I needed to be married, and above all, it told me if I wanted to have an apartment and not live in my miserable barracks room on government property, I needed a husband. It also taught me to trust and respect authority. More will be coming on that.