Trigger warning! This post contains triggering details about sexual assault and sex in general. If you ever experienced anything like sexual assault, this post might trigger you. Please make sure you're safe while reading this.

After being sexually assaulted, there are a lot of things that change. It's a traumatic event that affects every aspect of your life. Some of the things that change are kind of logical. For example, having sex might be a problem. It can hard to let yourself be loved after what happened. Also fearing some situations is normal and generally accepted.

There are things that are kind of predictable to have problems with. But there are a lot of things people don't talk about. Because we all think it's weird to talk about, we think we're the only ones having these problems or we are embarrassed about it.

So here's for anyone who's been through sexual assault and is scared to share their problems. I will talk about some problems that are seen as shameful but it's okay. It isn't my fault and it isn't your fault either.

Incontinence ….

yes, I have trouble staying “dry.” I don't feel my body well so it's hard for me to control my bladder. Sometimes I'm too late, sometimes I'm on the toilet and I need to really press to pee. I feel really ashamed about this because I'm a healthy young girl, but I regularly have “accidents.” It’s also something I don't like talking about it because I feel like a baby but I'm not the only one having this problem. It also includes bladder infection because I pee too late or my bladder isn't completely empty after peeing so it gets infected very easily.

Tampons....

using a tampon is impossible for me. I hate being on my period anyway but using tampons is horrible for me. It just won't fit. My entire body screams “that thing is not going in here.” I tried a lot of things, but I just can't seem to be relaxed down there. I tried some relaxation exercises, all kinds of tampons and all kinds of positions. Only the idea of something that has to go in there because it needs to. It just won't work.

Being “too dry” or “too wet”

this is something very embarrassing too... like when you want to have sex, but your body just isn't in the mood. Because your body remembers the bad things that happened and can't distinguish whether it's positive or negative.

But it can be exactly the opposite too. That’s something I deal with most of the time... my body wants to protect me and in order to not let me be in pain, my body makes sure I'm “wet.” That way nothing will get damaged if I get molested. It hasn't anything to do with wanting to have sex, my body does it to protect me! So if I see anything triggering, for example, a movie that contains forceful sex or something, my body immediately tries to protect me by making me “wet.” It's not because I'm aroused.

Having sex with a lot of different people

some people who have experienced sexual assault tend to have sex with a lot of people. Those victims often feel like they have no worth. They feel like giving their body away is the only way to make men happy. “apparently that is what they do like about me.” Most of the time this has to do with self-worth. And it can be difficult to see this yourself. Sometimes it's because you can't say no or you choose to be a “cheap” person because after your assault you feel like your worth has decreased.

Being disconnected from your body

sometimes you just don't feel your body. Like a switch went off and it resulted in not feeling your body. In that situation, it was a good thing but now it might be a problem. That’s why some people develop chronic pain. That's the only way you feel your body. That's my problem too. I just ignore my body in anything, I often just really don't feel it. The warmth or cold of the shower, when walking into something, hunger or being full, needing to go to the toilet or not.... those are all symptoms of being disconnected from your body.

There are a lot more symptoms, but I tried to cover some embarrassing subjects.

I think we should talk about these things a lot more. Yes, it's weird or scary if someone judges you. But now we only know the stereotype, being scared when walking at night alone, feeling filthy after the assault and not reporting. And of course, those things are true and are shitty to go through but after reporting, a shower and avoiding dark alleys the consequences don't stop! They reach much further than those things. They create a lot of problems which are hard to admit.

I tried to be open. And I'm very sure I missed some other important things. So feel free to tell us your problems. I won't judge because I’ve been there too. Maybe you help someone with your problems, letting them know they aren't weird, there's no need to hate yourself for some things. Because you never chose the assault!

~written by namasté allday~