Back to the night of the college party...

In my last post, I left off after meeting "John." I have no idea what his real name is, but in my mind, he's always seemed like a John. I remember sitting on a couch with him and his friends. I had lied and told them I was 21 and has just started college. I told them I had to work early so I wasn't drinking. They were being friendly and I let my guard down. John offered to get me a beer. I remember him saying ”one beer won't kill you.” My friends still hadn't shown up, and these guys seemed harmless. I only had half of the beer John had given me and I started to feel sick — the room was spinning and in a matter of minutes. I could barely move. I remember John making a joke about how I must have had too much to drink. I tried to tell his friends that I only had one beer and they laughed. John told me that he was going to help me to a room so I could lay down. I instantly knew what had happened to me, and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop what was going to happen. I tried to push him away and tell him that I didn't want to go with him. Then everything went black.

I only had half of the beer John had given me and I started to feel sick — the room was spinning and in a matter of minutes. I could barely move.

I woke up in a bed with John on top of me, raping me. When I started trying to push him off he pushed my face into the pillow and held me down. I didn't scream, I didn't fight back, I just laid there. When he finished he got up and threw my underwear at me. That's when I realized that one of his friends was standing in the corner, filming everything on his phone. John tried to lean in and give me a kiss, then laughed and told me to have a good rest of my night. John and his friend walked out the door. I put my clothes on and grabbed my purse, I was in complete shock. I walked up the stairs and back to the party. I made sure that I kept my head down. I didn't want to look at anyone; I didn't want anyone to see me.

I woke up in a bed with John on top of me, raping me. When I started trying to push him off he pushed my face into the pillow and held me down. I didn't scream, I didn't fight back, I just laid there.

I walked to my car. I couldn't think. My body hurt. I didn't cry. My best friend lived less than a mile away; I didn't call her; I didn't drive to her house. Instead, I drove home to an empty house. I have no memory of the drive back to my house. All I remember is pulling up at my house, walking in my door, ripping my clothes off, and getting in the shower. I sat in the shower well past when the water ran cold. I got out of the shower at 5am, got dressed, and drove to work. I never reported it to the police. I went to the hospital the next day for an STD and pregnancy test but I didn't mention being raped the night before. I told my coworker the next morning when she noticed the bruises on my arm. She sat outside with me and sobbed with me as I told her about the night before. I drove myself home early that day and took enough pain killers to make me sleep for a few hours. I didn't tell anyone what had happened for months. I blocked the memories from my head and tried to forget.

I told my coworker the next morning when she noticed the bruises on my arm. She sat outside with me and sobbed with me as I told her about the night before.

My life has changed completely because of that night. Every day I think about that night. Every day I see his face, hear his voice, and every once in a while I will smell someone who smells like John. I'm starting to heal as I talk about what happened. I won't let him ruin me.