The Here and Now

What is the here and now? My mind and body often don’t know. They are constantly scared of things that aren’t really there. They are confused where they are in space and time. It is something I call ‘the timeless void.’ It is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t experience it, to someone who is used to living in ‘the here and now.’ But my C-PTSD plays nasty tricks on me.

I can get triggered by anything that reminds me of a past experience or a past version of me. I can get sucked in ‘the timeless void’ where I’m still aware of my surroundings, but in my mind, I’m 15 again. Or 17. Or 12. This can go as far as thinking like that younger version of me. Feeling like her. Seeing myself as her. That’s why I call it timeless. Because I’m somewhere between the present and the past. I see the present but it feels like the past.

A sound can trigger it. A smell. A place. A piece of clothing. Some jewelry. Photographs. Music.

And now the nastiest trigger of them all: the sun. Yes, that’s right. The fucking sun is a trigger for me. Where I live spring just started and there has been a lot of sunshine the past few weeks. It has been really bad for me. There are so many negative associations for my brain and I just started to realize it. I was making so much progress, but now that there is a constant trigger during the day I am dissociating more again and ‘the here and now’ is far away. I have to keep reminding myself that I am HERE and NOW. I am doing this by throwing everything away that can trigger me and replacing it with new stuff that I try to associate with my life now.

It’s just that my whole being is so scared of going back there. Falling back there—in the past. It feels like a big black hole behind me. And I need everything in my power to look forward instead of backward. I don’t want to think about my traumas. I just don’t want them to be there. But there isn’t just one trauma. My whole life feels like a trauma up until about two years ago. I can’t move forward without going through those memories.

Everything it has done to my brain. To my body. To my soul. All those years of trauma. It’s still hard for me to comprehend. It was ‘normal’ for me. I didn’t know any better. And my mind tried to save me by dissociating. Those memories and images I had in my mind ‘just weren’t mine’. But they are real. If only I could just make my body and my mind realize that. That they are real, but they are only memories and they can’t hurt me anymore. They are not happening now. I am not getting molested anymore. Not getting touched. Not getting raped.

It may have broken my body and my mind. But it hasn’t broken my spirit. I will do everything I can to get my life back. Everything that was taken from me. My sense of self. My joy. My body. My sex. My feelings. My laughter. Every day I get a little closer. Every day I get a little stronger. Every day I am a little safer. In the here and now.