The First Fight: Part 2

When break was over, I took a day to really process. I told my best friend and two other ride-or-die type long-distance military friends.

I decided I couldn’t go another day without confronting him. I wanted to wait until the weekend to do it in person, but I couldn’t. So, I called him once he woke up for his second shift job. I couldn’t even flat out ask him... I eluded to it, but directly. He knew exactly what I was talking about. He owned it. I appreciated that so much. He could have gas-lighted me into a spiral of bullshit. He could have gotten angry and demanded to know how I found out and demanded to know why and how I had found out. Instead, he just explained a small piece. I was upset; I didn’t cry; I just processed. He asked me something — I don’t remember what — and I told him I didn’t want to talk anymore (referring to the conversation). I told him I would let him know when I was ready to talk anymore.I still did not have the whole story. He only confirmed what I saw; I didn’t get a why or a how. So, I catastrophized; it’s what I do best sometimes.

He owned it. I appreciated that so much. He could have gas-lighted me into a spiral of bullshit. He could have gotten angry and demanded to know how I found out and demanded to know why and how I had found out. Instead, he just explained a small piece.

I cried on the phone to my best friend. I went to my parents’ house so I wasn’t alone. I just got pissed off and went through every emotion I possibly could.We had set up a private LiveJournal blog just for us to share thoughts (mostly me) that were hard to talk about aloud. It was there that he explained what had happened.The real story was not nearly as bad as the ones in my head.He opened with this:

I don’t know what else to say. I’m sitting here on the edge of tears trying to think of what to say or do. I should probably just shut up and leave you alone. Anything I can think of to say just feels like an excuse and there’s no excuse for this. I want to explain, though, because you deserve an explanation.

I am still not willing to go into all the details, but this was the exact thing that made me feel ok about my trust in him. He owned it. And moreover, he sent this the night of — right after I asked him. He explained and didn’t make excuses or try to bullshit.That. That right there was something that none of my past partners did: he owned the mistake and explained, because I was worth the effort. I was worth putting work into. I was respected as someone that was affected by the news. I had a say. I had a voice. I had a partner willing to ‘fess up’ or willing to ‘own’ what happened.

That right there was something that none of my past partners did: he owned the mistake and explained, because I was worth the effort. I was worth putting work into. I was respected as someone that was affected by the news.

Today, we are still rebuilding parts of us. Some trust was definitely broken here, but it wasn’t broken beyond repair... there have been many, many variables working against us lately. School stress, my sports-things, his change to the-worst-shift-in-the-whole-world, adjusting to seasonal affective disorder ‘winter blues’ things, family shit, and just all the things not going our way right now. This is going to be hard work, but I know I still love the man more and more each day. I know that none of this was done with intent to harm me, and I know we will get through this if we both can put a little extra love and extra time and effort into it.