One of the things that helped me move forward was and is music.

For me, artists and groups like Melanie Martinez, Lady Gaga, twenty one pilots, Beyoncé, Halestorm, and Kacey Musgraves give me the strength to carry on. These artists write and speak to the struggle, the ups and downs of life that I can relate to.Melanie Martinez’s debut concept album Cry Baby shows the dark side of love and relationships while still sounding bubbly and fun. Lady Gaga’s first EP The Fame Monster has, on more than one occasion, forced me to face my fears surrounding love and manage the ‘monsters’ in my life. The duo, Tyler and Josh better known as twenty one pilots (yes, they stylize their name in all lowercase) sings and even raps about many of the mental health struggles I have personally battled. Beyoncé has her own brand of feminism that makes me feel stronger just living in the same time as her. Kacey Musgraves has broken down walls by being a female country artist who sings about being accepting of our queer friends. Moreover, Halestorm, the hard rock/ metal group is fronted by Lzzy Hale; Lzzy has been singing and writing music since she was 13, came out to the world as bisexual in her early 30s, and endorsed Senator Bernie Sanders during the 2016 primaries.

Although none of these people are “in my life,” their music and activism force me to look at myself and  make me a better person.

During the two day long drive back to my parents’ house, I couldn’t listen to any music without bringing up feelings that I wasn’t ready to deal with. A happy song reminded me of how happy was while I was lying to myself and thinking about what I could have been. A sad song just made me sob to the point of being unable to drive. I couldn’t even lean on the artists I needed the most. It wasn’t until Lady Gaga released the first single off her highly anticipated fifth studio album Joanne that I really had that “ahha moment.” It was a very different sound for her. I was excited for her. Then, I sat down and listened to and analyzed the lyrics. The song is Perfect Illusion. I could have sworn that this song was written for me or for anyone else leaving a relationship they were never sure of. While I was once so sure that my relationship with Austin was something special, once I sat back and examined it, I realized how much of it was me wanting to believe it was perfect. I could break down this entire song lyric by lyric and explain how all of it reflects my thoughts and feelings, but I think you could just listen to the song and I’ll save you from my word-nerd side. In addition to me being “gaga” over her music, I am so excited for how Lady Gaga has used this album Joanne to speak out on sexual assault and abuse. I love and respect her so much for that. She is another strong female among us working on her own healing, empowerment, and restoration of herself and her family (Joanne is her aunt who died before Gaga was born due to a flair up of lupus following being sexually assaulted).

It took me time and reflection to get to where I am today.

I realized, though the meeting of some great people, that living back in my small town wasn’t the end of the world. I am a new person now. I can view this town as new place. I have time now, all the time in the world. I am young. I get to reinvent myself and reset my goals. I get to use the leadership skills I learned in high school and in the military. I can flirt with whomever I want. I can date new people and now I know myself better than ever before. Sure, the dating-sphere kind of sucks being that most of the people are within “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” from someone in my family; small towns are a very interesting place.

Mostly, I am working on myself these days. I have the best support system in the world on my side.

I have thrown all my energy into my “new” small town. I am an office holding board member on my roller derby league. I am the secretary of a political club at school. I am in my best friends’ lives again, their children and future children’s lives. I can now see that what I thought was the hardest decision of my young life was actually one of the best ones I could have made while I was living under the guise of a Perfect illusion and now I can really be myself. I am single and one day I do hope to change that, but it’s far from a priority. I am looking for someone who truly understands my sex-educator, kink aware side. Someday my kinky-prince will come. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I am actually waiting for a princess. Regardless, I know more of who I am today after this experience. I know that this relationship changed me, I know he changed me. I know that that is ok. I know that I am not stuck into being just one thing or being one person. I can change. I can grow. Today, I am still healing, but I am empowered and nearing my full restoration. With a bit more time, I will be HER.