Nothing to Fall Back On

I had just got on the crazy, emotional rollercoaster.

My ex had pulled all but $20 from our joint account. I didn’t have another account as a fall back. I was so frustrated, because that was our money. My paychecks were being deposited into that account. I realized later this was a control factor. I would have to go to him for money until I could build my account. The stress only kept adding up. I was also preparing for our divorce and a parenting plan on my own. I didn’t have the funds to be able to hire an attorney. I researched everything myself. Unfortunately, this meant I also had to work closer with my ex to come to a final agreement to present to the court. One of the steps in the parenting plan is for the state to decide whether the other party is to pay child support. I requested the financial information from my ex, because I didn’t want to submit any wrong numbers. I also submitted my financial information. He had to pay $200 per month in child support. This caused a huge fight. The new girl he was with told him that I didn’t have to request child support. He came back with a vengeance on how terrible I was and all I wanted was money. I tried to explain that I didn’t need his money, but he should support his daughter and ensure she is taken care of. Again, I wasn’t the one who decided whether or not he was going to pay child support.

My words didn’t matter. I was still the horrible person.

By the time our court date happened, my new friend and I decided to move to another state, because he could go work for my dad for a higher wage. I had explained to my ex that I would like to move, and it was for the best interest of our daughter to move with my family. He surprisingly agreed. Both my daughter’s father and I went into court together and stood before the judge. Anytime in a court setting is so extremely stressful and causes an unimaginable amount of anxiety. My heart was racing and I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. Our judge granted our divorce and put our parenting plan in place along with my motion to move out of state. As my ex-husband and I walked out of the courtroom, there was a sigh that came from the both of us. Everything was done. I thought everything would gradually get better from here. We had to be civil because we have a daughter together, and, of course, I wanted her to have a relationship with her dad even if he and I didn’t have the best relationship. She deserved to know that her dad did love her and should continue to grow with him in her life. Once we were able to move into our new place, I brought my daughter to live with me and my boyfriend. Being in a new environment, felt like a fresh start. I wasn’t around my ex-husband and his girlfriend or his family and friends. I was painted as the bad person, because not everyone knew the whole story behind everything. It made it easier and less stressful. At least I thought it would be less stressful. My daughter’s father would call every other day and talk to our daughter about what new things she was doing. She would be so excited to talk to him and ask him what he was doing. I found out that he was touring with his band and lived in a different city and state. And then the calls to his daughter became less frequent. He would tell her that he was going to call on a certain day, but those calls never came. It was heartbreaking to watch her go through the pain of having her father lie to her and to see the sadness on her face when she couldn’t talk to him. We would try to call his phone and we wouldn’t get an answer. At this point, I had gotten extremely frustrated because I was picking up the pieces for my daughter. I was trying to cover as much as possible. Eventually, I sent a text that said he needed to call his daughter when he said he would and to not disappoint her so much. For about the first year of living in our new home, my ex-husband maybe saw his daughter 80 days out of 360 days. I tried to do everything humanly possible to prevent my daughter from thinking she did something wrong that caused her dad to hardly see her. I explained he has other priorities at the moment and hopefully it will get better soon. The anger inside was fuming. This poor, sweet little girl shouldn’t ever feel this way, but I ensured she knew she was loved and wanted with me.I started to notice that my daughter clung to my little brother and boyfriend. She was needing that male figure in her life. I watched how she would react with my little brother — strived for his attention. He always was there to give her the attention she needed. Even as a little baby she grew a liking to my brother. She knew that she could always rely on her uncle and she could turn to him. She started calling my boyfriend pop. She knew he wasn’t her dad, but he was always there for her as well. It made my heart so happy to have two strong male figures in her life. She knew she was protected.One day I received a call from the Sheriff's Department. My heart instantly sank. The Sheriff said I could come get the papers and be served at the courthouse or he could serve me at home. I immediately ran down to the court house and requested the papers. I was being served by my ex-husband. He was requesting the judge grant him primary custody of our daughter and to have her move back up to his state with him.Tears flooded down my cheeks. I felt the anxiety attack hit me like a freight train. My breathing became tighter as I read the court documents I was served. I called my mom sobbing and speaking almost non-comprehensive words. She told me to try to calm down and take a deep breath and as soon as I was calm enough, drive to her house. The five-minute drive to my parent’s house seemed like an eternity. Why was this happening? He hadn’t seen or hardly talked to her in the past year. The thought of going back to court crept into the forefront of my brain.