Rape is sex that’s not consensual.

I’ve heard that phrase a million times before. But even though I was raped, writing that word down now still doesn’t feel right. Did I say no while it was happening, yes, I did. Did it hurt? Absolutely. Did I try to make excuses for my rapist afterwards? I did that too. But was it rape? Yes... but until just recently, I denied that fact.It was already shaping out to be a crazy summer. I had just taken a week of vacation. A friend from my hometown was road tripping through Montana and had asked to crash on my couch for a night, and the next morning, I was scheduled to get my wisdom teeth removed. My friend Mikey had known me since kindergarten and I was excited to see him again. Christopher wasn’t too happy he would be staying with us for a night. When I had asked Christopher if it would be okay for Mikey to stay on our couch, the first thing he asked was “You two have a past together, don’t you?” I purposefully avoided the insinuation behind his question. “We’ve known each other since we were five. He had a crush on me in junior high, but we’ve just been friends for a while.”“No,” Christopher said. “That’s not what I’m asking. You two have hooked up, haven’t you? You would really think I’m okay with letting one of your past hookups stay at our place?”“Well first of all, I’ve never done anything with Mikey, and secondly…” I drifted off. Hannah had stayed at our place before, but I knew better than to bring her up. “Secondly, what?” he asked. “Nothing.”“So you really haven’t done anything with him before? How do I know I can trust you?”I didn’t feel like explaining myself, but I let him know that the summer before I moved to Montana, Mikey had kissed me at the riverfest, that was all. “So you didn’t bother to mention that the first time I asked you if anything had happened? Now I really don’t trust you, and this guy is going to be in my house.”I noticed it was no longer our house but his. And now I wished I hadn’t mentioned the kiss. He was all fired up now. I felt stressed. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for Mikey to come over? But I missed him. He had always been a good friend. And I enjoyed our conversations. It was strictly platonic--at least on my end, but I couldn’t be held responsible for his feelings and he knew I had a boyfriend now. I tried not to stress it. But Montana’s nasty spring weather set back in and Mikey ran into snow, and his arrival time of 6pm turned into almost midnight. Christopher had gone to sleep at this time, but when Mikey pulled up, I ran out to see him. We talked outside for a while, catching up, exchanging hugs. He was my first visitor in Montana. It felt nice to see a familiar face. After a while, we both needed sleep. I had to get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow anyway. Mikey agreed to get breakfast with Christopher and I before heading for Yellowstone National Park. I was excited to see him off in the morning. I woke up next to Christopher. My pup was snuggled between us. It seemed like a good day, but my intuition had told me otherwise. I figured I was just nervous about the surgery. I got dressed, made sure to brush my teeth really well and then woke up Christopher. He was always such a pain to wake up. While he got ready, I went downstairs to see if Mikey was awake. “Hey, I’m just waiting on Christopher to get ready, but then we should be good to head out for breakfast if you’d still like to join us?”“Absolutely,” he said with a smile.I headed back upstairs to see if Christopher was almost ready. I don’t remember how the next few minutes played out. It’s all a blur. I know he asked about Mikey, some sarcastic, rude question. I didn’t reply. I know his temper instantly flared and he grabbed me and threw me on the bed. He has to show Mikey that I’m his, I remember thinking to myself.

I knew what was about to happen. Christopher had never done anything like this before, but it was so obvious to me, I didn’t question it. I was paralyzed with fear and couldn’t fight back.

He ripped off the outfit I had carefully chosen, and I remember telling him, “Christopher, no, Mikey is waiting on us. Please stop.” The sound of my voice saying Mikey’s name only made him angrier, as he pressed his hand into my back harder and used his other hand to unbutton his shorts. I said Christopher’s name and whispered “no” over and over, but he shoved my face into the pillow and entered me from behind. It was rough and aggressive and loud. The volume was the worst part. I kept telling myself “Mikey can’t hear, it’s fine.” But I know he could. But I don’t think he heard that it was a struggle, probably just the creaks of the bed, Christopher’s moans of pleasure. It all probably made Mikey feel uncomfortable and out-of-place, wondering why we felt the need to do this right now. Christopher was so loud, all his movements seemed amplified. The noises became my focus: bed creak, moan, the smack of his hand on my ass, the bed frame rubbing up against the wall, the vibration of a toy as he tried to get me wet. If I focused on the noises, it kept me from realizing what this really was, what Christopher was doing to me. I knew it was all a power play. It was Christopher’s way of saying, “stay away,” but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I wanted to cry, but instead, Christopher shoved the pills my dentist had given me in my mouth. “Here,” he said, “ take these now instead of at breakfast.”He finished and made a mess all over my back. Now the smell was bothering me. I was embarrassed, ashamed. I felt like an animal. I felt dirty. I felt shaky. It was so potent, I wanted to puke.What had he just done to me? Why didn’t it matter that I told him no? We walked downstairs, my mind in a panic. Was it just me or did Mikey look embarrassed too? I swore his cheeks looked pink. I knew mine were. He looked awkward. What was he thinking? Could he hear everything? Could he smell it on me? The voice in the back of my head told me yes. I tried to clear the silence in the room. “Feed Cafe sound okay?” I asked nervously.“Sure,” Mikey said, giving me a peculiar look. “But I’ll drive separate so I can head out right after breakfast. Have to make good time, you know?”He knew; he had to. What he knew, I didn’t know for sure, but there was no denying the awkwardness in the room. I just nodded my head and went straight for the door. By the time we made it to breakfast, the pills had started to kick in. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I remember Christopher was dead silent. I tried making sure they both felt included in the conversation, but it wasn’t working and my peripherals were going black and fuzzy. My head felt like it was spinning, and I just wanted to fall down and sleep. I don’t even know if I told Mikey bye. I don’t know if Christopher said anything to him on our way out, but I never heard from him again. I was too embarrassed to text him right after. I waited until autumn before I tried texting Mikey to see how he was and never heard back. That almost hurt more than the rape. And today is the first day I’ve acknowledged it was rape. Before, I made excuses for Christopher, because I felt that a boyfriend couldn’t possibly rape his girlfriend or that I should have been honest with Christopher about Mikey and I’s drunken summer kiss back in Illinois from the start.

But I wasn’t to blame. And none of those things change the fact that Christopher used me. After that moment, I felt useless, powerless, shameful, and weak.

Eight months down the road, in February 2016, when Christopher asked me why I had become so weak, this was the answer I should have given him. He played the victim in a situation where he took advantage of me. And now, I’ve lost a friend I’ve had since kindergarten.