Love Shouldn't Hurt
Hi there, I felt it was necessary to get my story out there so it could help someone else.
“Damian” and I met through Facebook back in March of 2018, and we connected right off the bat. We’d video chat, Skype and text for hours non-stop. It was amazing. This went on for about 4 months until we decided to meet in person in Pittsburgh for Vans Warped Tour, and that’s when we decided to make our relationship official. A month later, I traveled to his state to visit him and his family for a couple of weeks, which turned out to be for a couple of months until I made the decision to move there to be with him. He came to Pennsylvania to meet my family while I was getting my things set for the move, and we made it back to Ohio.
Let’s just say, things got weird…he’d love-bomb me early on in the relationship, telling me I was the love of his life, his best friend, his soulmate, that he couldn’t lose me, etc. I was very flattered and caught off guard to the gestures and words of affirmation, and slowly but surely, that didn’t last. Or if it did, it’d get bad. He’d tell me I was wearing too much makeup, make me feel guilty for dressing a certain way, giving me crap about talking to my friends that I haven’t talked to in months, even told me no other guy would want me due to my CPTSD. I recall at one point when we were watching a movie, he made a remark saying if I cheated on him, he would kill me. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I froze in place and he didn’t notice my reaction until he asked if I was okay, and I told him how I felt about it. He begged and cried for me to forgive him, but looking back on it now, anyone with common sense would’ve packed up their things and left.
There were times during an argument, he would threaten to kill himself if I left, and knowing me, I couldn’t turn away and leave him. With both our history of trauma, it didn’t make the relationship healthy one bit. I left in April of last year, and sought out advice from my therapist and she told me that having him bully me into corners, isolate me from a support system, using suicide/harm to keep me there, was considered domestic violence, but he never hit me. Not once.
I made the dumbest mistake of going back to him in June, and of course, things were fine again for a while. It wasn’t until October 28th, 2019 that went downhill.; I needed space to cool off and to clear my head, but Damian decided to follow me into the bathroom and was yelling “Do not walk away when I’m talking to you” and that terrified me. I felt scared, threatened, so I tried to separate myself from him (again) and found myself in our tiny bedroom in a corner, with a 6’1 guy yelling and screaming at me and I’m begging and pleading for him to leave me alone. I ended up slapping him out of self defense, and all I can remember is him calling his mom at work saying I hit him, his little sister called me a b**ch and he threw all of my items outside and told me to get out. His mom came home and before I even had a chance to explain my side, she hit me so hard I fell against the fence and grabbed all of my things and left their property until a nice gentleman pulled over and gave me a ride until my mom could get me that night.
Looking back on it now, all of those red flags I’ve ignored, the insensitive comments, the gaslighting, manipulation, I don’t know how I’ve stayed that long and why I did. A few days later back home, my left ear felt extremely sore, so I went to the urgent care and told them what happened and they urged me to not only get a CAT scan at the ER for a possible concussion, but to press charges for assault on my end. I couldn’t. Not after them taking me in and giving me a chance to stay. I just couldn’t.
Since then, he’s been in and out of relationships, and I’m trying my hardest to recover until I can find the strength to get professional help. For those who are reading this, nothing and nobody is worth your mental health. Seek help from friends, family, a professional. Take life one day at a time, and realize you’re worthy of love.
-MarieC