I Learned to Live Without

You learn to count the quiet winsAn hour with no unprompted tearsAnd not to count the deadly daysAs they fade into yearsYou learn to stand alone at lastSo brave, and bold, and strong, and stoutYou learn somehow to like the darkAnd even love the doubtYou learn to hold your life inside youAnd never let it outYou learn to live and dieAnd then to liveYou learn to live without.So it’s been over two years now, two years and a few days since the assault.I’m not totally over it. I’m also not owned by it.Something changed within me since then. The first year was about surviving, about winning against everyone who wronged me by living well and holding people accountable as much as possible. The first year I confronted so many demons. The first year I kept swimming like hell to do more than just tread water, and many times, I succeeded...before a wave crashed over me. On and on.I'm not downplaying the importance of the first year. To do that would be an insult to myself and, more importantly, all the people who were my life jackets.But this past year…that’s when I really started to focus on me.I forewent casual relationships, possibly for forever. I’ve spent most of the past year celibate and truly living the single life. I joined We Are Her and felt like I was really giving back, in a tangible way. I campaigned hard for an issue I believed in. I kept my head up when a man I disliked, who to me is the living embodiment of privilege that lets rapists like D get away with their horrible crimes, was elected president of the United States.I said goodbye to my most beloved ex boyfriend even when I didn’t know how it would turn out – for him or for me. I tried to do that for years, starting shortly before D came along, so that was huge.I experienced deep depression, shutting down because of anger and a deep melancholy that it was because of the rape. But I got help. I remember I’ve always been prone to it.  Sometimes I forget, but with increasing speed, I remember.Some days come and I have flashbacks. I use the tools counseling gave me and take my medicine regularly, and I ride it out. It’s not fun and all the emotions I feel total up into misery…but it passes. That same day, or maybe the next, the storm abates. That’s when I realize the truth – a happy truth. At some point this year, perhaps just day by day, I truly let go. I learned to live without. I realized how much happier I was, about…733 days later? Even music that reminded me of old relationships, of old feelings, made me happy because it reminded me how far I have come. I could appreciate artists’ talents without being re-traumatized.A lot of songs and movies and shows and, of course, real moments in life have helped me come into my own this year. However, I chose “You Learn to Live Without,” sung by Idina Menzel, to start this post because it so perfectly encapsulates losing yourself because of an extreme pain. It tells of being reborn into a stronger you.That’s what I am now: stronger. I’m more self-confident. I’m more eloquent. I’m psychologically tougher. I’m learning personal responsibility as a young adult does when she’s doing it right. I’m giving myself credit and I’m stepping away from anything that isn’t what I deserve.Despite all of the painful moments, the hard days that are going to keep coming, I’ll remember this year as the one that they became outnumbered by the better days I was promised in May 2015. I can still remember how I felt, but I no longer needed to relive it. I accepted that I learned all I could from it. I don’t bleed anymore. His toxicity, the betrayals, the shattering of who I was…I learned to live without.