I Forgive You for Being What I Needed

Why didn't you just leave?

Why did you take him back? Why didn't you call the police, someone?

These questions whirled around my brain in an endless wheel and in the brains of those around me.

It is hard to understand why someone stays. Why they endure these experiences and tell no one. The reasons are endless, but if you are reading this blog, you probably don't need to hear them. I once listed them in my head trying to understand why I did. I felt ashamed of myself: what was wrong with me?

After finally finding the courage to seek counseling and doing some research, I felt the shame start to lift. Because my behaviors weren't weak or pathetic, they were normal. They were textbook. Literally. One of my therapists instructed me to read aloud passages on trauma bonding and the fight, flight, or freeze response that mirrored my experience.

So to the girl who stayed, who froze, who retreated into herself, who kept it a secret, this is what I have to say to you:

To the girl who could not find the words to respond to her gynecologist's questions and comments regarding the indications of "rough" or "non-consensual" intercourse on her body, as she sobbed hysterically on that paper bed - I forgive you.

To the girl who held her phone in her hand to call a friend, but she just could not work her fingers to dial the numbers, as the love of her life unflinchingly called her every name in the book, threatened to drop her off in the middle of nowhere, then locked the doors - I forgive you.

To the girl who rocked back and forth in the frigid air flooding her apartment repeating, "Oh my God," in the midst of shattered glass and told no one until circumstances forced her hand - I forgive you.

I forgive you. I forgive you for being what I needed you to be.