I Called Out My Rapist and All He Could Say Was "You Wanted It At First"

I met Edgar a few weeks after moving in to my dorm room.

My dorm was a small house, so we had about 15 rooms. I was the only one living downstairs aside from my roommate and the RA. Edgar and I instantly clicked: we were from the same area and had many things in common. We talked for about 10 minutes and I thought he was cute, so I was determined to get his name and number. I never went upstairs and I didn’t know anyone, so every opportunity I had I would go to the lobby downstairs and study or just hang out with my friends, in case he would ever pass by.

I thought he was cute, so I was determined to get his name and number.

After a few months, some girls from upstairs, Cameron, Amber, Ava, and Emily, invited me to go out with them. I started going up there more and more, and it turned out that everyone upstairs hung out all the time. It was like a big family. I soon became a part of that and was always around Edgar. We got closer than ever. I later found out that Edgar and Ava were sort of a thing, or at least the girls teased her about it. The only people who knew about my crush were our friends, Sam, Jason, Joe and Ben. When I overheard the girls talking, the guys assured me that Edgar and Ava weren’t a thing and never did anything: it was just one night that she spent the night in his room.

The guys assured me that Edgar and Ava weren’t a thing.

I remember feeling some type of way, thinking Ava was my friend now and maybe I should mention it to her. But I didn’t. One night I finally told him that I liked him but that it was fine if he didn’t like me because I liked our friendship. I also didn’t think we could be anything now if Ava liked him. He didn’t really say anything but instead he made some kind of smirk. After that, he was different with me. He never said anything, but he’d get so close to me and he’d just stare at me and say some joke. He’d smile at me whenever someone teased us. I know it sounds totally normal but it wasn’t, not from him. He’d talk about Ava with me and the guys. But when it was us alone he never mentioned her and again, he was different with me. We all went for a road trip one random night. We packed our bags and grabbed some food and started driving. It was me, Edgar, Joe and Cameron in one car. They both were a thing so for a moment it felt right. Edgar was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We had some music on, and we were both obsessed with the same music; in that moment, it felt great. I didn’t want that feeling to go away. I felt as if nothing was better or safer than being with him. We made a stop at some point because we all wanted donuts. Edgar and my friend Chris, who had sort of a thing with Ava by that point, started arguing. They made some smart ass remarks and we all just went inside. Edgar seemed mad when we got in the car. He sort of a took a deep breath and said something too quietly for me to hear. I hadn’t seen him mad, ever. I guess I should’ve realized after that how he could get.

I felt as if nothing was better or safer than being with him.

He didn’t talk for the rest of the ride, save for one comment about me getting between him and Ava. I was confused. Cameron said Ava wanted nothing to do with him and I asked him, “What do you mean?” And he seemed irritated: “She’s riding with Chris. Why would you do that?” I felt like my heart was shattering and even embarrassed for some reason, but I didn’t do anything. Ava left with Chris, and it kind of all fell into place. No one talked about who was going with whom. Once we got back, Edgar and I sat outside my room and just talked. He said he was tired of everyone, but I calmed him down a bit. All I thought was that he trusted me, and I loved that, regardless of how he had gotten mad at me for something I had nothing to do with. I never realized how I was always there for him, and he knew I would be, but he was never there for me. He never felt encouraged to get to know me.I didn’t care though. “It’s not like I’m so important,” I thought.

I was always there for him, and he knew I would be, but he was never there for me. He never felt encouraged to get to know me.

A few weeks later I met his sister. She was picking him up for quidditch practice (yes, he was a nerd, and I loved it). I remember her looking at him with approval. It was weird, and I noticed her smile. After that, things were normal around all of us. Everyone was getting along until…something happened. Edgar stopped hanging with us much. I didn’t care though. Chris had been there for me after him and Ava broke it off, and he said how blind I was trying to go for Edgar when he clearly didn’t care. He was right. Edgar knew I was always gonna be there for him and he just sort of played with me. He could flirt or not whenever he wanted, he could talk to me or not whenever he wanted.

Edgar knew I was always gonna be there for him and he just sort of played with me.

After that, I stopped talking to Edgar. I’d ignore him whenever I’d see him. Eventually, he started coming over a lot again. He didn’t seem to stop trying to talk to me and there I was again, talking to him, but this time I had decided he wasn’t good for me. I could only be his friend, and I made that clear. One night, after a month or two, he gave my friends and me a ride to the club. I was waiting for my friends with him, and two other friends of his, Mason and Sam. Sam said to me that I looked good and I thanked him. Mason asked why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I jokingly said, “No one deserves me. I’m too good for them.” Edgar laughed and said “What about me?” Sam responded to him, “Nah bro! You lost your chance.” Edgar looked at me and I just nodded and laughed. The next night, January 21, 2018... I came back to the dorm drunk from a party my best friends and I had for our birthdays. We had all just turned 19. After attempting to look for the girls upstairs, I went back down and saw Edgar, Sam, and Jason going up the stairs. We talked for awhile until Edgar asked me if we could talk in his room. I said sure, as he was having a rough night. We went into his room and he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie, so I nodded. We talked and it seemed like he was okay now. While watching the movie, I began falling asleep. I felt him get closer, and then, it happened: we kissed. I had the biggest crush on this guy, but I knew I was still too drunk.

We kissed. I had the biggest crush on this guy, but I knew I was still too drunk.

It’s hazy from there. I remember flashes of us making out, him touching me, and I remember him asking for oral. I said okay. Then I remember him getting aggressive, rough — not like him at all, and when I told him to stop, he said, “You’ve been wanting this for a while. Stop acting like you don’t want to now.” I remember thinking he wasn’t wrong, but I didn’t want it to happen like this. I told him we should stop, and he agreed we were way too drunk and stopped.

When I told him to stop, he said, “You’ve been wanting this for a while. Stop acting like you don’t want to now.”

I got ready to leave except he grabbed me, and convinced me not to go — I felt too afraid. When he grabbed me, I thought, “He’s not gonna let me go and he’s way too strong.” I had given up in my mind. I didn’t know what to do... I was too scared to attempt to leave and risk him reacting badly. So I just stayed there, and I laid down, telling him I wanted to go to sleep. I was half asleep when I woke up to him kissing my breasts...no, more like biting. He was touching me again, putting his fingers inside of me, roughly again — it hurt. He kept kissing me forcefully. I felt like I needed to do whatever he wanted or it wasn’t going to be pretty for me. I was too tired to fight him off. He took off my pants and quickly stuck it in. I told him to stop because it hurt so bad, but he wasn’t getting off of me. He then grabbed me again and said, “Turn over b*tch.” I said no. Crying, I told him I wasn’t going to do anything.

I was too scared to attempt to leave and risk him reacting badly. So I just stayed there. I felt like I needed to do whatever he wanted or it wasn’t going to be pretty for me. I was too tired to fight him off.

He just smiled and said, “okay, goodnight.” He put his arms around me and he laid down. After spending what seemed like more than three hours in the room, he finally fell asleep. I was able to get out.I felt so confused after. I couldn’t describe what had just happened, even to myself — just that I felt so disgusted. I was there to talk to a friend...or, what seemed like a friend. It ended up being one of the worst nights of my life. After it happened, I went to Chris’s dorm without saying a word. I was just crying. He told me I could sleep in his bed and he slept on the floor. The next morning, I woke up with bruises over my breasts and when I went to pee, blood was dripping. I was so sore. I thought, “What exactly did he do for me to be in so much pain right now?” I later got a message from him, thanking me. “He really is insane, or maybe he doesn’t remember,” I thought. When I told him what he did to me, he simply said, “You wanted it at first.”Chris wanted to make sure I was ok. He insisted I tell someone. He finally convinced me to go to the hospital, make a police report and file a report to the university.

When I told him what he did to me, he simply said, “You wanted it at first.”

It’s been about six months now since it happened and at times I doubt myself, my story and my feelings...but he raped me, a person I thought was my friend. Half a year later and I still haven’t heard anything back from the university. I stopped the investigation with the police because I don’t feel ready for it all. There’s nothing else that I can do to help myself. I’ve done what I thought was right: by myself, without my family.