How the Church Teaches Victim Blaming and Silence

From the top of my head to my toes– everything I wore, how I dressed, and even how I did my makeup– was scrutinized.

My tops were expected to be no more than three fingers from my collar bone. Dresses and skirts were expected to cover my knees. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans, yoga pants, or shorts above the knee. I remember at my high school, a teacher would have all the girls bend over to discern if she could see down our shirts and check if the back of our skirts came up above the back of our knees. If you didn't pass, you were sent home to change. If your top, skirt, or dress was thought to be too tight or “revealing," you were sent home to change. At my Christian college, we were taught to only have natural hair coloring and natural makeup to not bring unnecessary attention to ourselves. The reason this dress code was beat into our heads is because we were always told not to be a “stumbling block" to the boys around us. Basically, if a boy looked at your chest, it was your fault, as the girl, for wearing what you wore and bringing attention to your body. 

So for a victim of sexual assault, it is your fault that you were assaulted. You must have done something, or worn something, that drew attention to your body and caused that boy to “lust" after your body. I don't know how many victims that were in my Christian high school, church, or college that had said they were blamed for their assault. So why don't we hear about more sexual abuse in the Christian churches? Because women especially are scared to speak up that they might be blamed for their abuse. 

I have heard such teachings as being told if something bad is happening to you, God is just trying to get your attention because you did something wrong. As a victim hearing that, how do I not come to the conclusion that I must have done something to deserve this, and it's my fault?

There were several female students who had gone to a member of the administration at my college for help and to report they had been sexually assaulted. Each one was told they must have been wearing something or done something that caused them to be assaulted. It was their fault. 

So why don't we hear about more sexual abuse in the Christian churches? Because women especially are scared to speak up that they might be blamed for their abuse. 

I remember sitting in a chapel service at my Christian college, and the preacher joking about beating the gay out of his friend, and that he and his friends teamed up to “toughen him up." I was horrified by what I heard. I had always thought Christianity was supposed to be about loving others, but what I was hearing was far from love. I looked around expecting to see the horror on the other students' faces, but they were all dying laughing with the preacher. Looking back, I can't imagine being sexually assaulted AND being gay there.

There have been brave survivors who have come forward in the church to report their sexual assault, but often times they are told “it's no big deal," “this is normal and happens in every family," “let's forgive and forget," or “let's pray about it and forgive as God forgives." All of these responses are not only illegal and unethical, but they save the church's reputation by hiding the abuse. There was one pastor at Tri-City Baptist church that did not want to get the police involved in my case because the church had already had so many scandals. He was hoping my meeting between me, my husband, my mom, and my stepfather over seen by a different pastor in the church would go away quietly and we could all forgive each other. Luckily, I was past that point and did get the police involved. But think of the number of victims who were told this same thing and went away quietly because they were told God wants them to just forgive and put that all behind them? 

I had always thought Christianity was supposed to be about loving others, but what I was hearing was far from love.

I also never remember being taught that it is okay to say no to your authority. We were taught that God puts these individuals in leadership and authority, and you have to obey and respect those authorities. That's not entirely wrong, but when that translates to a teacher, pastor, or family member touching a child, they have not been taught to say no or that the person doing this is bad. I was also never taught sex education or what sexual assault and rape are in my church or school. We were only taught to abstain from sex before marriage. So how is a child to know what sexual assault looks like if they've never been taught what sex is and what assault is? 

Sexual assault in the church and schools will not change if it's not talked about and addressed. Not doing something is doing something. Not making a choice is making a choice. 

I am writing this for the number of brave souls who have personally shared their stories with me and how the church dealt with their abuse. I'm also writing this for those who have felt they cannot speak.