Fighting Harder

I took a long drive when I returned home to gather my thoughts and handle the battle I knew was coming.

I always thought I could take care of everything on my own and help take care of others in the process. But I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t help but keep reliving the past in my mind. I was trying so hard to forget all of those haunting memories. I was starting to find out who I was again. While taking the journey to build myself back up from the ground, there were some huge obstacles I was finding difficult to overcome.

The internal struggle was a frightening, to say the least. What was I doing wrong? My ex and I had even tried marriage counseling toward the end of our relationship. It was my last-ditch effort to save our marriage and family. As I thought back on that day of counseling, it stirred an overflow of emotions in me.

I remember sitting in this gal’s office with my ex and us taking turns talking to her without each other and at the end coming together to talk about our situation. As she started to speak about our relationship and what she believed was going on, I could feel my face get warm and my blood started to boil. Could she seriously be saying the things that were coming out of her mouth? She was talking about me, and what my “problem” was. She stated that I obviously had self body image issues. She said that my ex didn’t have a “problem.” It was a porn addiction and he can’t control an addiction. All I heard were muffled sounds coming out of her mouth. I looked up at her and may have lost it.With tears streaming down my face, I was able to muster up the courage to raise my voice and say, “His is an addiction and he can’t help it? He can’t control his urges to replace his wife with porn? He can’t make the decision at making an effort to not lose his family? And my “problem” is I have self body image issues? How could I not have self body image issues? My husband replaced me with porn and he had also told me he was going to kill himself twice.”These questions bounced through my mind for a good hour as I sat in my car next to the river. I finally had to tell myself that I did try everything I could and I did go through so much already. There was no need to keep putting myself down. The mental abuse was put in my life to make me stronger, to know that I don’t have to endure those things. I knew the months to come were going to be extremely trying and would push me to my max but everything would eventually be okay. I had my daughter, who was my rock and foundation. I also had my new friend who had been there through my disaster of a life. Things were bound to get better. I had to stay strong for my daughter. She needed me to be her rock and foundation. I parked the car in the driveway of my house and took a deep breath in and closed my eyes as I released my breath. Everything was going to be okay. As I opened the door, this sweet little voice yelled, “Mommy!” Her little legs were going as fast as they could. I leaned down to pick her up as she jumped into my arms. She squeezed my neck and told  me, “Mommy, I miss you when you are gone.” This moment I was in is the reason I had to fight harder. I had to protect the most precious thing in my life. I had to stand my ground and be strong for her. Everything I had gone through in the past wasn’t about me anymore. I went through those traumatic events to now be the stronger single mother I was about to become.