Even When You Forget

One of my least favorite questions is when someone asks me to name something I love about myself. Talk about uncomfortable! I used to even have a hard time naming something I liked about myself. Until very recently, the idea of self love has been a foreign one. And admittedly it’s a concept I still struggle with even now.

When I was growing up, no one around me probably even knew what self love meant. No one ever told me that it’s so important to get to a place where you don’t hate yourself. No one told me how hating who you are at your core deeply affects how you see yourself and the world around you. And it’s hard but you can’t blame your parents for not teaching you things they don’t know themselves. It is tempting though.

Demi Lovato has a song called “I Love Me”. In it she not only talks about comparing herself to everyone else but also how she is great at giving love to somebody else but not herself. If you struggle with things like body image, low self-esteem, feeling like you can’t love yourself, this song will most likely hit you right in the gut and/or make you cry (🙋). When I first heard it a few months ago I was blown away at how she was basically describing the way I’ve felt about myself for well over half my life.

My favorite part of the song is toward the end when she sings these words:

I’m my own worst critic

Talk a whole lot of shit

But I’m a ten out of ten

Even when I forget

It’s really easy to hate yourself. I know. I’m 30 and when I think back on how I learned to treat myself, I get a little emotional. I’ve made myself small, I’ve told myself I don’t matter. I’ve ignored basic human needs like eating even when I was on the verge of passing out. I’ve neglected my physical and mental health for years. When I see all the ways I’ve tried to erase myself, it’s hard to not turn into a teary-eyed ball of mush. So much time wasted on hating myself and it never led to anything good. It was pointless. I cannot hate myself into loving myself no matter what I do. It doesn’t work that way.

Our pasts don’t determine whether or not we are worthy. We just are. If you, like me, weren’t taught what self love means, don’t beat yourself up. You can’t know what you don’t know. And it’s okay to cry about all the ways you may have treated yourself. Apologize to your inner child, tell them you are there for them now. Go to therapy or a support group. Whatever you can do to get started on the road to not hating what and who you see when you look in the mirror will only help you in the long run. It will be hard. Trust me. But if there’s anything we deserve, it’s to love ourselves. You’ll have hard days but just remember, you’re a ten out of ten even when you forget. And “I love me” is enough.

-notdefinedbymypast