Confronting a Conversation: A Dive into Dating after Abuse

As many have followed my story, I’ve seen comments from HER readers asking what my life is like now. Although there are still many parts of my ‘HER’ story, some of which I will share eventually, I thought it was only fitting that I share something that’s very recent and different from my typical posts.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and I can say that writing for HER has been a wonderful way for me to work through a lot of my past. I’ve been working hard over the last year to really work on myself, focus on my own health and wellbeing, and work toward my dreams with everything I have. But… eventually? It gets a little lonely.

This last week I did something I haven’t done in so long. I went on a date. Let me tell you something, it’s been almost five years now since I’ve been on a date. No kidding here whatsoever. I have not had a committed relationship since Isaac, and I have not gone on an actual date since, either. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I have talked to plenty of people and entertained the idea of dating before, but it wasn’t until recently that I decided I was finally ready to pursue this possibility again.

A few weeks ago, I made a Tinder profile (yes, I know). I’ve been scared about the possibility of meeting someone new, but Tinder at least gave me a way to look through single people with a general way to filter them toward my own preferences. I matched with a few guys, and none of them messaged me. My shyness kicked in and I just couldn’t get myself to message them first. For fun, I put up a picture from my favorite video game on my page and added in my bio, “Bonus points if you can name the object.” I made some more matches, a few people idly chatted with me. None of the conversations were particularly interesting. Several guys unmatched me very fast when I declined their first messages asking about hookups, for after finding out I don’t drink. Whatever, I don’t want people like that anyway. I got bored of this in a very short time.

I debated just deleting the app. But I woke up one morning to find a new match and a message from my match who we shall refer to as “Lincoln.” He had messaged me first and said that he was sure my picture was from X video game and he thought it was a weapon in the game used by a specific character. He was right. So we started messaging idly back and forth. I was laughing at the bad puns he made, and I was generally interested. I had a few other guys who seemed nice enough in my inbox too, but I seemed to have been having better conversations with Lincoln than the rest. A few of the others had asked about taking me out for a drink or wanting me to come over to watch anime with them (stranger danger much?). I hadn’t given any definitive and was generally disinterested in the date possibilities being offered. A few days later, Lincoln had messaged me asking if he could take me out for coffee soon. The idea seemed casual and harmless enough, and I was beginning to get curious about him behind the mask of a Tinder profile.

I agreed to meet him for coffee at my favorite little café the next week after I got off work. We messaged some more during that interim. The day of the date I was absolutely losing it. I’m talking complete panic. I had curled my hair the night before, laid out a nice outfit for work, texted a friend and her boyfriend who would be at the establishment next door in case I got catfished or felt unsafe. I had barely eaten all day. My stomach was turning over and over. As I left work and drove to the café, the nerves only got worse and worse. My brain went straight into panic and my body responded. My heart was absolutely racing. I felt like I was going to puke. I pulled into a space and felt my hands going numb. Legitimately, I thought I was going to pass out. Just message him you don’t feel well, and it’ll be fine. Just go home. I put my head on my steering wheel. Come on. All you need is fifteen minutes. Stay fifteen minutes and if it’s too much you can always leave. You aren’t stuck here. You CAN leave. I willed myself to go inside. I messaged him that I was there. I walked in and looked around and didn’t find him. Please tell me he hasn’t ghosted me.

After waiting another ten minutes, I heard the door open and saw him. Oh my. He’s better looking than his pictures. His face turned to a smile as he said hey and gave me a hug. We went to grab our coffee. I was pleasantly surprised when he told the barista to put my drink on his order. He scored some more brownie points with me for that. We sat down to talk, and the conversation just flowed.

There were no uncomfortable pauses. There was this fun banter that just continued throughout the time. I was laughing, smiling, blushing, and suddenly all my nerves were gone. I just wanted to keep talking with him. I could have talked to him all night. We hadn’t even realized how much time had passed until the barista had said, “Um, guys we are closing soon.” We checked our phones. We had been talking for four hours. The time had just vanished among the playful stories, explanations, and questions. I gave him a hug and thanked him for the evening. We exchanged actual phone numbers so that we could talk outside of Tinder.

I smiled the whole drive home. When I got there, I sent him a text thanking him again for the date. He texted me back that he was so happy to just have a good conversation on a date. He hoped we would do it again soon. And we are. As I’m typing this, we just confirmed another date for next week.

I don’t know what will come of this. Nothing may come of this and if so, it’s just a wonderful stepping stone to help me reenter the dating world with some confidence. It showed me that I’m perfectly capable of enjoying the company of a man without fear. I can connect with someone else. So, here’s to continuing to grow and celebrating my healing and progress thus far.