A Prayer

Dear God,

I’m not really religious, but right now this feels like the only way to write. To someone outside this world. I hope that’s okay.

I’m gonna write something that is very unlike me. That comes from feeling (which is a good thing for me, but can be so heavy). I fight 24/7. I do everything I can. My whole life is recovering. And sometimes it’s too much. Too hard. I just can’t take one more second of it. There is not a moment when I’m not fighting. For some reason it’s in my blood. To keep going, to fight with everything I have and to never think of giving up. But sometimes when I (can) feel everything, something slips through. A feeling of exhaustion. My whole being shifts. I. Just. Can’t. Anymore. It’s too much. I don’t see the ending, the light at the end of the tunnel. When will it end?

Coming to life after being dead for so long is so incredibly hard. It’s taking everything I got. The feelings of my childhood are so dark. So very very dark. And I have to feel them all now. I don’t have a choice. I was so lonely. So so so lonely. I didn’t trust anyone and I felt helpless and hopeless. I was so scared. So scared for the world and, the hardest thing, for myself. I felt as if there were so many monsters inside me that I could never ever be with myself. I needed to just keep running from them until I felt safe enough. So I started dissociating and numbing everything. All the feelings of loneliness, helplessness and darkness.

But when you are dissociated you are cut off from everybody and that makes you so lonely. You are not able to take in any love or support, because you’re in another world.

So now I have to do everything I can to stop that. And that means dealing with memories, feelings and thoughts that are so dark that I can’t even think about them.

I’m just trying to write from the heart here. It’s so hard. There are no moments of peace. No moments of relaxing. No moments of joy. No moments of escape. I’m stuck in this body and this mind.  It has ruined my relationship. My ability to go to school, to work out, to go out, to have sex, to laugh, to cry, to talk, to live. I am crippled. Disabled. Lost. Everything that makes you human is taken from me.

So please, God or whoever you are, give me the strength to fight this fight untill I have the privilege to be fully human. I will do everything.

Love,

Tessa