A Little Bit About Friends

I’ve been long overdue for a post.

I try to keep my writing to a minimum now, but every once-in-a-while, I feel the pressure has built up so great that I need to use HER as my resource to gather my thoughts (and share them with you all, because I know reading the other stories every week helps me tremendously).

I posted an Instagram story the other day and realized one of Christopher’s friends had viewed it. Shit, I thought. I knew I purged my Facebook and Snapchat of all the connections I had through him, but Instagram was tricky. I blocked most of them just to unblock them a day or so later.  I must have missed one.

I wasn’t too worried. She was one of the few friends I liked. She was an artist and could bring more to the conversation than most of his crew. I tried not to worry. She seemed like she had a good soul.

Then I remembered how just recently one gentleman I knew through Christopher reached out after watching my Take Back the Night Speech at Monmouth College. “I had no idea this was going on,” he told me in a random Facebook message. He said he always “felt the need to keep him at a distance.” He told me that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and wished me luck in my future endeavors.

I was nervous about the direction that conversation could have turned. I lost a lot of “friends” when Christopher and I split. I was nervous he was going to defend Christopher.

Like many of you know, I moved to Montana where I knew no one. I had to build up an entirely new friend group on my own (and I must say, I did pretty damn well—love to A, B, L, & J and my ETS crew). But before I had those friends, my friends were, well…his friends.

I lost a lot of “friends” when Christopher and I split. By the end, they had all taken his side, which was fine. They were his friends anyway. What bothered me was how they continued to bash me after the breakup.

By the end, they had all taken his side, which was fine. They were his friends anyway. What bothered me was how they continued to bash me after the breakup.

Christopher’s friend Tia is a perfect example. I had gone camping once with Tia and her boyfriend with Christopher. She had a take-no-shit kind of attitude that complimented her choppy brown hair and boho style. I liked her. She owned more dogs than I could even remember, and while I wouldn’t say we hit it off, I would have definitely considered her a casual friend of mine. She’d comment on pictures of Christopher and me all the time, noticing how happy we both looked.

But after it ended, she made it clear — not to Christopher — but to my own friends that she thought I was a crazy bitch who was out to get Christopher and this website was all a hoax.

I was crushed. And I mean that. I know one of my flaws is that I put too much stock into other people’s opinions. And it shouldn’t have bothered me, but I heard that her opinion was the popular one among Christopher’s friends. Not a single one decided that since I went through all the effort to take him to court or to start We Are HER that there could be a shred of truth to what I had been saying.

I know one of my flaws is that I put too much stock into other people’s opinions.

And honestly, writing this out has me holding back tears. It stung then and it still does now.

But the point of this post isn’t to vent about Tia or the others like her. This post is about how their words really affected my mentality with making new friends.

Because I just can’t anymore.

I started dating a new guy (without going into much detail, let’s just say that he is the absolute greatest person and I am so grateful to have him in my life).

So when he confronted me with a problem, I knew it was a serious one. I’ve been struggling with integrating his friends into my life. And anytime he meets my friends, he’s able to chat away with them and act like he’s known them for years, which I appreciate so much. Me, on the other hand, I get cold and aloof with his friends. I have no desire to get close with them.

I started talking to my therapist about this. We’re kind of in the middle of it, but she suggested writing about this, because I have trust issues with his friends. Which is such a weird concept for me to grasp, especially since I don’t have any trust issues with my boyfriend.

Anyway, his best friend and his girlfriend approached my boyfriend and asked if I didn’t like them since I really wasn’t making any effort to be friends with them.

And hearing that hurt, but I knew it was mostly true. Every time I’m around them, I have paralyzing anxiety, and I feel like every move I make is judged, especially now that they’ve called me out.

Whenever I’m out with people I’m not fully comfortable with, my brain is on overdrive—I over analyze all of my own movements. They’ve got to be judging my looks: is what I wore ok? Is it too much? Or clearly they dressed nicer than me, I just look like I didn’t care. Do they think my broken nose is ugly? Then I think they judge how I sound: is my voice weird? Will they understand me for this weird joke or reference I want to make? If I make it and they don’t get it, will they judge me even more? It’s a never-ending stream of “what-ifs” running through my head constantly and with all that noise bouncing around in there, I have no room or energy left to go out of my way to be friends with someone I’m not convinced actually wants to be my friend. It’s exhausting even typing out some of these thoughts. Imagine living this.

And I know for a fact that these feelings are a new thing. Some of my best guy friends were friends of a college ex. I know I haven’t always been incapable of making friends. And this is really hard.

Every time I’m around them, I have paralyzing anxiety, and I feel like every move I make is judged, especially now that they’ve called me out.

In the back of my mind, I realized how badly I was burned, and I don’t ever want to feel like that again. Because in my mind, relationships either last forever or they eventually end, and my boyfriend and I will get to one of those points, and if it’s the latter, then I can’t bear to have his friends say anything negative about me. Granted, I can’t imagine what they could say that’s the same caliber as what Tia was saying, but, still…I have no desire to feel those things again.

While I wasn’t “close” with Tia, it still felt like a knife to the back when acquaintances starting sharing the names of friends who had joined her bandwagon.

So this post is for my boyfriend and his friends. It’s not that I’m not trying (I'm extremely shy to begin with, so this isn't ideal for me either). I’m not sorry that I’m this way. I won't minimize what I've been through, because I know I’ve been through a lot, and if that means I have to earn your trust before I’m friendly, then that’s just how it’s going to have to be. I’m not trying to come across harsh here. This is just my reality now. But if you really want to get to know me, then thank you. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your understanding. I can only hope I encounter more friends who are willing to give me the time I need.