A Letter to My Old Self

It was painful and hard to say goodbye to the old me. After all, she got me through everything. She brought me to where I am today. But parts of me have to say goodbye to parts of her. 

I spent a great deal of time worried that my trauma made me who I was and that without it, I would be lost. Without it, I wouldn't be who I am today. It took me a lot of therapy and life lessons to learn that I became who I was despite the trauma I went through. My resilience got me to where I am today. But that trauma will still always be a part of me. It gave me the strength I didn't know I had, it made me more resilient than most, and it made me appreciate the tiniest things in my life. But it still brought me a lot of pain and suffering. And that is the part I have to say goodbye to. 

My old self was a runner. Avoiding any sort of confrontation, uncomfortable situations, anything that made me have to relive any sort of my past. It was easy to choose flight over fight. It was easy to present that things weren't nearly as difficult as they really were. Keeping a smile on my face was all I needed to do to mask what was really going on. But it didn't help. It didn't make everything go away. It just came back ten-fold. 

But the old me, no matter what my choices were, still kept me alive and still got me to where I am today. The new me, however, has learned a lot. The new me confronts when necessary in a healthy way, has learned to communicate, and has learned to fight for what matters and not run away every chance I can. 

Letting go of parts of the old me, my younger self, has manifested in so many parts of my life. I see things brighter and I bring brighter things into my life, even furniture or curtains or towels. I am able to do daily things like shower and hang out alone without the fear of something terrible happening to me. I have learned to be cautious of my surroundings but not overly cautious where I forget to enjoy or appreciate all the good that is out there. I am slowly learning how to sleep again without waking up screaming at the top of my lungs every single night. 

The smile on my face has started becoming genuine and not just for show. I have started sharing my story with others—family and friends I never thought I would be able to talk to. I have been able to start to forgive those that turned a blind eye or let me down when I needed them most. 

The new me is all about thriving. It is about being forever grateful that I am alive and functioning because there were years where I never thought I would make it to this point in my life. I am slowly taking my power back. Taking back everything that was taken from me. The new me had to let go of some of that pain in order to regain some of that power. But I will never forget how much the old me got me through. I will never take for granted that I am standing here today, alive and thriving. 

When you look death in the eye for so long, it is all you know and it is all you see. I have never felt so vulnerable and powerful at the same time. I am her. She is me. The old me and the new me will always be a part of each other, but today is the day I let parts of her go so I can heal. Every single day is a chance I never thought I would have to take my life back. I am beyond grateful for that.