A Bit On How To Do Better For Her

Everything is fine, until it's not.

I remember being in my last relationship and thinking, “Wow! I am so happy right now — how could I ever fight with Austin? He is so wonderful and doesn't cause confrontation with me. He is great.”At one point that was true — it was great. It was butterflies and falling asleep thinking about him. It was Skype dates, giggles over our 'secret romance,' Star Wars references, and military inside jokes. Until one day EVERYTHING was WRONG. I'm not sure there is an exact day I could point out. I don't think it works that way. Relationships are weird and hard. They require effort. They require a decent amount of time, and they require a bit of selflessness and selfishness at the same time. Sometimes MY needs must be met, sometimes I must give-in and allow my partner to have their needs met. No one ever sits us down and teaches us what a relationship should be. We do our best to see the negative things and positive things and mash it all up into our own relationship type. Sure, there's therapy and resources out there, but that's all AFTER an issue has come up. Why not before? Why not prevent the issue in the first place?A short aside here, I do not hold any formal education on the following subjects I am going to discuss and state my opinions on. I have taken the time to learn as much as I can, but cannot guarantee what I am saying is perfect nor the only way to view these complex issues. Recently, someone asked me what we can do to stop the cycle of abuse happening. What can we do for the next generation, so that they do not go through what the people writing RIGHT HERE have survived? There is no one answer. It's a huge answer that I cannot answer perfectly. I am an advocate, I am a voice, I am not an expert. I can tell you step one needs to be EDUCATION. We need to teach this next generation. Sure, we need to teach consent and we need to teach women and everyone HOW and WHEN to say no. but that's not good enough. That's reactive, it's not preventive. It's not solving the problem. Take a separate example: fire safety. What we do now with intimate relationship abuse like relying on smoke detectors to prevent house fires. They don't PREVENT house fires. They simple ALERT that your damn house is on fire. With fire prevention, we have PREVENTATIVE practices. We have building codes, electrically safety, government mandated training and education for people who build our homes. Furniture and appliances must meet standards before sale. All off this exists so your new stove doesn't randomly ignite and melt into a molten pile of goo and take your entire household with it. This same practice does not exist within the world of intimate relationship abuse. We do not teach healthy relationships to the young kids who begin exploring relationships. And if you think kids don't 'explore' and try to learn on their own you are wrong. I was in kindergarten when I waned to see 'the boy parts' and he wanted to see my 'girl parts'... we were genuinely curious and adults wouldn't answer our questions. Kids hold hands and have fake marriages on playgrounds. Kids want to learn and be like the adult role models in our lives. This is when we need to start teaching healthy relationships. No more 'boys will be boys' when they get into fights on playgrounds. No more bystanders when kids watch other kids get bullied. No more 'he is mean because he likes you' dialogue. No more 'normalizing' physical violence. I understand that this is not an easy thing. It will take years of slow moving until there is a cultural shift. We are starting that shift now, but we must DO MORE. Stop segregating children by gender and forcing gendered-roles in the classroom. Lets kids be curious, but guide them along the way to be kind and to establish healthy friendships from a young age. Do not allow 'locker room talk' and mean-girl revenge. One day we will not longer be reactive. We will be preventing further abuse because it will simply not be tolerated.

Lets kids be curious, but guide them along the way to be kind and to establish healthy friendships from a young age.

Don't believe that this culture can change? Look into how recently childhood abuse and neglect has been recognized and lobbied for by pediatric radiologists and psychologists. Look at how it went from a 'private, in-the-home' issue to an issue of public health. When is the last time you thought all we should do is treat a child's injuries instead of eliminating the abuse in the first place? I bet you haven't ever had that thought. I bet your FIRST thought was to remove that child and to get that parent into classes with child and family services and/or anger management to PREVENT this issue from happening again. We can do more; we can do better. One day we can scoff at how terribly we, as a culture, handled intimate relationship abuse. Until then, keep learning, keep supporting, and keep your voice loud.