I wake up and I see sunlight over the skyline.

I've seen this view my entire life, but today it feels like Iʼm seeing it for the first time. My head hurts. My friend is calling my name. She sounds angry. I've messed up again. I sit up in the bed and my heart sinks. Iʼm naked. How did this happen? What happened last night? My mind is blank. I canʼt remember anything. I frantically put on my clothes. I felt sore. This isn't just one of my usual hard night of partying. Something went wrong. My friend asks me if I know what I did last night and I said no. I get up to go the bathroom. I need some time to gather my thoughts when I see him.

My friend asks me if I know what I did last night and I said no.

Heʼs sitting on the edge of the bed staring at me. Memories of last night come to me in flashes. I remember dancing and kissing him. I was okay with that. I run into the bathroom and shut the door. My body hurt so bad. Maybe I fell? I had so many drunken falls in the past. I lifted up my shirt and saw bruises around my torso. I gasped and I fought back tears. Itʼs fine; itʼs fine, I told myself. There has to be another explanation. I sat down on the toilet and pulled my underwear down. A streak of blood was in my underwear. Oh, God. Another wave of memories from that night came. I remember being in a bed with that guy on top of me. I couldn't move my arms. He kept saying, “Stop being so scared and let me stick in you.” I remember saying no and stop.

I remember dancing and kissing him. I was okay with that.

As we were all leaving the hotel room, I asked him if we had sex. “No,” he said. “You were way too drunk.” Thank goodness, I thought. The following night, I called my friend to apologize for what I had been making myself think was a wild night. “You had sex with that guy”, she said. Her voice had just the slightest hint of worry in it. “What?!” I said. “I would never want to sleep with someone I just met.” “I know what I saw,” she said, “You looked like you wanted it.” I had known this friend since childhood and she watched as I was getting assaulted.

"I know what I saw,” she said, “You looked like you wanted it.”

Itʼs been over a year since my assault and it feels like it just happened. The hardest part of my healing has been reminding myself that recovery isn't linear. There are going to be ups and downs but I have to remind myself that I've come so far. I refuse to be a victim and will always call myself a survivor.