I attend this therapy group for survivors of trauma (focused on any kind of sexual trauma) at a women's center, and recently we were given a packet and one question was: what would you say to a loved one who'd just been sexually assaulted or come out about abuse?

It hit me hard.

There were only two lines for an answer.

That was far from enough so I wrote mine in a journal, and it turned into a letter that I'm going to share. If you're reading this and you're in this spot, know I mean every word to the bottom of my heart. Maybe it's what you need to hear; maybe it's not. All I know is this is what I wish someone would have told me, the words I desperately needed to hear and absorb. It is somewhat jumbled and messy but so is surviving, so is getting through what we've gone through. So here goes nothin'.

Dear beautiful survivor,

I'd like to tell you how strong you are. Just for being here. Breathing is so much more than enough right now. It was not your fault, no matter the suffocating reasons swirling around that you (and maybe others around you) believe. There's no way in hell it was your fault. There was nothing you could have said or done to make things different. 

You are beautiful in every way; you are not wrong or dirty or bad. You are not damaged; you are stronger, even though I know you feel so far from strong right now. 

It is over. It is not happening right now. You are safe. Find ways to ground yourself during flashbacks. Whether you reported it or not, what happened to you is valid and it doesn't mean it didn't happen. If you didn't report, whatever your reasons, I believe you and support you. 

I know this has been eating you alive from the inside out, so thank you for letting the monster inside go. Know that all the ugliness that you feel from what happened to you, it belongs to them not you. I know you carry the burden and it's not fair and I hope one day we may both have it lifted away. I'm so, so, so sorry for what happened, it's not okay at all. However, it's okay to be angry; it's okay to feel however the fuck you feel. It's your right to deal with this however you can. It's also okay to miss the person before what they did to you (if you knew them), they could have been good to you before. I know it's hard to admit missing the good from someone who turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. 

Whether you reported it or not, what happened to you is valid and it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

You can do this, no matter how much it feels like you can't. You are not alone, unfortunately, there are so many survivors out there who've been through similar things and as heartbreaking as that is, I hope it brings some comfort knowing you're not the only one. 

What they did to you was despicable and does not take away from your value. You do not need to make yourself smaller and unseen, no matter how much it feels like a necessity to survive, you deserve to take up space. 

You're going to help so many people one day with your story, so keep going and write it down. Write it all down, get it out, the feelings the thoughts the facts all of it. Writing or whatever outlet you so choose will feel like breathing again. 

Talk. Talk to someone about it, break the shame, I hope you have someone who will listen. You are not a burden or a waste of space or a mistake. You are GOLD. You will heal. Get help so that you can heal now instead of years down the road. It's not impossible if you wait, so don't worry, but it makes it a lot easier in the long run to deal with this now. 

You're going to help so many people one day with your story, so keep going and write it down.

Scream, scream into a pillow, or a field, or underwater, or wherever you can. I know you're full of bottled up screams and so much you wish to say to the wolves who hurt you. Write out what you want to say, send it or don't whatever helps you. Again, however you can deal and heal, do that. 

Keep breathing. Learn to love yourself, you are capable even though it so does not feel like you are. You deserve love; don't ever believe that you don't. 

You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are wanted and needed. You make the world a better place just by being here. There are special things that only you can give to the world, so stick around and share them when you can. You did not deserve what happened to you. You deserve all the goodness and light this world has to offer, remember that. And last but not least; always remember how wildly capable and strong you are.

Love always,

Blue