Did you ever feel lost? I used to wear a mask and not let people know the real me. Or I would get lost in toxic relationships and forget who I really was. I used to be a people pleaser.

Domestic violence has changed my life. I used to think it was for the worst. I was almost killed five years ago. A few years after it happened, I never thought that my life would be the same. I felt like everyone around me thought the same thing. I became a recluse. I isolated myself from family, friends, and everyone and everything. I didn’t leave my apartment. I felt that I could not trust anyone anymore. I stopped trusting myself. I felt that I had a terrible judgment of people, so it would be best to avoid everyone. I was so scared to be around people. My anxiety was at an all-time high and I would have panic attacks around people. I was very hard on myself. I blamed myself for the physical abuse that I went through. I thought there must be something wrong with me. I felt that I was unlovable and that I must have issues. It didn’t help that the toxic relationships that I was in all made me feel this way. I was always accused of doing something wrong.

Eventually, I felt that I couldn’t do anything right. My self-esteem took a severe blow. I suffered in silence for years. However, I did seek counseling right after my attack. I have been in counseling now for five years. Counseling has been the best thing that I could do for myself. It has taught me so much and has really helped me heal. The good thing is that the panic attacks have stopped, and I can be around people now.

Sometimes we forget to look back to see how far we have come. I am my own worst critic. I believe we always learn something new. Or a new way to heal. Sometimes it feels that we are always healing from something or someone. I actually started to be around people the past five months. This is huge for me. It is scary at the same time.

For five years, I was in hiding. I feel so vulnerable now. I thought I would never trust anyone again. I really felt for years that love was not for me and that I would not find it. But deep down, I wished that I would find it. Or that it would find me. When I use the words “I love you” now, it is a really big deal for me. I am a very deep person and very sensitive. I have a huge heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. Sometimes I wish I could change this about myself.

I wish I could be cold or turn off these emotions that I have. That does not work and it is not healthy for me. I ran from my emotions most of my life. I tried numbing my emotions. I am now realizing if I just sit with my emotions and learn to feel and deal it really is not as bad as I thought it would be. It takes time, though. It doesn’t feel good at first. But when you think about it, does numbing your emotions really feel good? Who wants always to walk around not feeling and suppressing everything? When you suppress everything, it pushes people away. It leaves them not knowing where you stand with them. And when you constantly run from things, you will never know what could be. Maybe you’re missing out on good people, but you won’t know if you run.

I have been opening myself up now to people. The hard part is when you run into emotionally unavailable people. There is nothing like trying to open up your heart for the first time in five years just to get rejected. Because he says he is scared to get close to me. Or not ready. Now that I look back, he would always push me away. He didn’t see it that way or maybe just did not want to admit it. Maybe that is just another lesson in life for me. I need to set more boundaries and pay more attention to the red flags.

Now that I reflect on everything, this feeling of being lost is not true. Did you ever think this is where we are meant to be right now? We feel lost when we don’t listen to ourselves. Call it intuition or whatever you want. Feeling lost is when we are disconnected from ourselves. When we feel disconnected, we gravitate toward drugs, alcohol, overspending, sex, ego, or constantly wanting attention from people because we are trying to fill this void. I notice this in men I used to talk to. They would constantly seek attention from other women to fill their void. I have been taking the hard route. I have been sitting with myself and listening to my wants and needs.

The more I sit and process my emotions, the more I notice I am forming a connection with myself. Not to mention whatever we say we are, then we become it. If we keep focusing on being lost and saying it, then that is what we will be. If we focus on thinking, “I am right where I should be, and how can I feel more fulfilled in a healthy way?” then we will find our way out of this. Your life is what you make of it. I am sure you have heard the saying that if you keep doing the same things, then you will get the same results. You have to get to a point where you are willing to do anything for a change. I had to get to a point where I would do anything to feel happy and climb out of that old paradigm. It is a steady work in progress. But aren’t we all works in progress? We are never finished learning in life. Something will always happen in life that we have to deal with. Death, illness, loss of job, and break-ups are unfortunately a part of life. If we heal ourselves and start learning to deal with things, then we will learn how to carry on. We will get to a point where we decide I am loveable and I am willing to feel my emotions, and even when things get tough, we will find our way through it. Just remember you’re not lost. You are right where you should be. You’re not alone and things will get better in time.

This was written by Kelly Maida, a contributor for the We Are HER blog.