Dear Beautiful, This One’s For You:

I don’t know where you fall on the healing spectrum. It’s only been a short time, but if there’s anything we currently share in common, it’s fear. And that’s okay. Don’t blame yourself for that emotion. You’re taking all the right steps. But no matter what other dark thoughts go through your mind, just know that one day, you’ll be alright.Because trust me, I’ve been there — wondering why an innocent family was taken in a car accident instead of me or knowing the only thing keeping me from pulling the trigger is the fact that I’ve distanced myself from guns. But I’m still here. And I’m still fighting. But there are days I don’t understand why I’m holding on. I’ve felt lost and broken. However, there are days where I have such vigor for life that I don’t understand how anything Christopher did to me can still scare me.At the end of the day, I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never return to the 2014 version of myself, and I think that’s what hurts the most. I loved that version of me. So trying to love a version of myself that I’m completely unsure of is one of the hardest parts of this healing process. It’s like forcing yourself to love a boyfriend you feel is just mediocre or accepting that one intolerable friend into your group’s inner circle. It’s tiresome. It leaves you feeling drained at the end of the day. But unlike the unexciting boyfriend or unnerving chum, you can’t just dump them or ignore them; you’re stuck in your own skin everyday.

I’ll never return to the 2014 version of myself, and I think that’s what hurts the most. I loved that version of me. So trying to love a version of myself that I’m completely unsure of is one of the hardest parts of this healing process.

But it will get better. I started taking the steps to better myself, so instead, I can be the Wonder Woman of my own life. It’s little things. Like how I’m currently working with a personal trainer to become stronger and more determined or how I’m fostering relationships with people who have a stronger meaning in my life. Those people help me really understand the healthy relationships I missed out on when with Christopher. Because of this, I’m learning to fall in love with myself. It’s the best gift I could have ever thought to give me.You’ll figure this out too when you’re ready. I know you will. You’re strong. You’re beautiful, and because we’ve shared this awful history of survivorship together, just know that I’ll always be there — even if that means a 2 a.m. phone call or a coffee date just to get everything off your chest. Hang in there girl. You’ll be healed. You’ll be empowered. You’ll be restored. It just takes time.Love, Knix23