That day, August 20, 2017, is a day you have branded into my head. That day is a day I will never be able to ever forget because of you. That was the day you took all my power away from me. That was the day you raped me.

That night Devon asked Katey and me to come to a lifeguard “banquet” with him, we were so excited to get all dressed up, drink a little, and have fun. So, leading up to Devon picking us up, Katey and I were talking about how excited we were. I had said how I hoped I would kiss a cute boy that night. That kiss turned into much more than I wanted. I had no idea that that night would end up changing everything for me.

I have thought before about how awful it is to be raped and how awful it must feel after, but the truth is you really do not know the pain until you go through it. You completely ruined my trust for all men and burned a thought into my head that any time I am alone with ANY guy, I think I have a chance of getting raped. How is that fair that I have to constantly be terrified that another guy will put me through the pain you put me through, while you are sitting there like nothing even happened. You obviously completely affected my life by doing this but you even affected my family and friends’ lives.

The night you raped me, my brother, Ty, was the first one to know. As soon as I left you, I got into the car crying, instantly texting Ty because I was terrified at what you had done to me and I did not know what to do. I sent him multiple texts saying things like “help me” and “he wouldn’t let me go.” I continuously kept texting him this, not really thinking of how he would react. I was just thinking of me at that moment and hoping that it was not real. Later on, I learned how broken my brother was by this, he told me that that night he was bent over the toilet dry heaving because of the thought of what you did to me. I remember that each time I would cry about the rape, he would cry with me and he would just say how badly he wanted you dead. There were times that even he could not stand to listen to things about that night, so imagine the pain and trauma you caused me. He was not the only one that was completely affected by this, along with all of my other family members and my best friends.

My family and friends have had to sit here for the past year and constantly comfort me and tell me everything will be okay, while I cried and had panic attacks over some worthless piece of shit like you. I use to hate the thought of being in my own skin. I use to rub and scratch my arms in disgust, hoping that this feeling would go away. I lost interest in absolutely everything. I did not care about school, work, and at one point, living. Do you understand how much it sucks that that one night changed everything for me? And how bad it sucks that it has been a year later and I am still struggling to better myself and not think of that awful memory of you not letting me go? Of course, you do not know, and you never will know.

Since you are the one that did this to me, you need to understand what rape actually is. If the person you are with is not okay with it the whole time then it is absolutely NOT okay. If the person you were with tells you they need to leave because their friends are looking for them and you tell them “no it’s okay, they can wait,” that is absolutely NOT okay. You are an immature piece of shit that cannot accept what you actually did and how you screwed with a life.

There have been days where I just wondered if this will ever end. I would just wonder if what had happened was okay. I would wonder if this happened to me because I did something so wrong to deserve something so horrible. I still have times where I do have to convince myself that it will end, but I do know that it was not okay and I did not deserve it. If not now, I hope one day you do realize how much you fucked up. I can honestly say I hate you with every single bit of me, and I hope one day karma bites you in the ass for hurting me so badly.

I remember the first day I met you, I thought you were so cool and chill to talk to. The next time I saw you, you told Devon how cool you thought I was and how you wanted to come say hi to me when I picked Devon up. The final time I talked to you in person was the night you raped me. I would have never imagined that night to end the way it did, especially with you. You always seemed like a nice, respectful guy. I learned that night that you were everything far from it. When I asked you that night if any of my friends had texted or called me, you responded to me “no.” As soon as I looked at my phone afterward, I saw how much of a bullshit lie that was. You lied straight to my face, just so I wouldn’t try harder to get up and leave. Maybe I did not physically try to get up, but I verbally tried. In the moment, where you basically told me I could not leave, I froze. I laid on the ground with a completely blank mind, trying not to think of what was happening to me.

Five days before the one year, and I’m sitting in bed still slightly shocked at the fact that I was raped. Tonight is your lifeguard “banquet,” last time you were at one you had raped me. Seeing all of the pictures and videos from this year’s banquet caused my mind to go insane. It has been almost one year and I am still trying to calm myself from the thought of you not letting me go. I am still trying to convince myself that this is my skin and you are no longer hurting me. I am still trying to gain back the confidence you took away from me. I am still trying to tell myself I am good enough and that there is nothing wrong with me. I am still trying to figure out how to be me again. I am still trying to learn how to love myself. You will never understand the pain you put me through.