Shrinking 

That’s what I was taught to do

Cowering 

Oh honey 

That was my religion

Getting on my knees

Begging for supplements 

Daily provisions 

Of what was already endowed to me

Compassion

Respect 

Validation

Affirmation 

Only received it 

After performing 

At my height 

At my greatest 

Each

And every 

Damn 

Time 

Jesus Christ 

Was nothing more 

Than a dick 

Shoved down my throat 

From morning 

To noon

And sundown 

It all went down 

Coming 

And coming 

With the gospel

Choking my spirit

Crushing my emotions

And suppressing my innermost desires

As if one prayer 

One session with the bible 

and holy oil all over my head

Was going to erase 

The madness 

The insanity 

Which ran my household

I am not afraid of hell

However 

The terror of it 

Was ingrained into me senselessly 

From upon my earliest memories

Of consciousness 

I was told to do good

Speak properly 

Respect those in authority 

Be a well-brought-up young lady

And having that hair pressed

Pulled back all straight and shit 

Didn’t hurt  

But for what?

Because any slight deviation 

From this rigid formula 

For “right” living 

Would damn me?

To the innermost horrific 

Places of hell? 

And I would be forsaken 

Forgotten 

Never know the touch 

Of a god they all told me

Loved me unconditionally? 

Was all of that crap

Really for God

For any god?

Was it just for 

The white folk 

Who could not stand 

To see a black girl 

Free of their oppressive arms 

And happy with her parents

Living in a neighborhood 

That they cut ties with their own families

And left homes that made them 

Just so I could know a different future  

With options that for so long 

Only open to the kids 

Who lived in winter wonderland 

All their lives?

Was my obedience 

My loyalty

My undying worship 

Really for the Lord?

Wasn’t it just 

For parents 

Who were in all honesty 

Just as fucked up 

And traumatized 

As my grandparents 

And their parents before them?

Wasn’t it all done 

Because they made it 

Explicitly 

And consistently 

Clear

That I would be yelled at 

Beaten 

And treated as an invalid 

If I did anything wrong 

Which could’ve been 

A simple fight at a school

Where typically 

A white girl provoked my ass 

Because even at seven years old 

She knows she can screw me 

And get away with it 

For the rest of her life

Or I ate off the cheese of a pizza 

Because it tasted so good 

Then was criminalized for liking food 

Going overboard

“Wasting money”

Had the entire cupboard emptied of its food

Placed in front of me 

My mom screamed at me to eat it all

Since I liked food so much 

And knowing deep down

I could never tell people

About the dark side 

Of a mom I loved so deeply 

Who had her own demons to play with

Was my desire for love 

For safety

And security 

Worth a father 

Who readily gave me to Christ 

All the days of my life 

But could turn his back at any moment 

Leave me begging 

For his love

Leave me crawling 

After his indifferent steps 

Walking further 

Deeper 

Into the pains of his torment 

Which he continually 

Covers up 

With holy oil

Scriptures

Black gospel music 

Sunday visits to church 

But none of it 

And I mean

None 

Of 

It

Stopped him 

From abusing me 

Hitting me 

Yelling at me 

Gaslighting me 

Terrorizing me 

When triggered 

By my disobedience

By being simply 

A teenager 

Who made a mistake 

Or a growing young woman 

Realizing the power of her voice

Understanding the fragility of her father 

It did not stop him 

From manipulating me 

Into silence 

Using my fear of losing a family 

A caretaker 

Suffering more loss 

As a means to make me think

That it is okay 

For him to violate me 

Dehumanize his child 

Destroy me with his words 

And his hands 

Then next minute 

Act like nothing happened 

That I am the insane person

For remembering the truth

Regardless 

Of whether it shows on

Or in 

My body 

Was I being a good girl

When those white boys

Disrespected my culture

My race

My sex

My religion 

My history

Took away my right to valid visibility 

Made degrading jokes 

About black girls 

How we speak 

How we talk 

Even though I spoke their English 

Better than the past three to four 

Generations of their families 

And aced my classes 

Because of the hard nights 

Studying with my parents 

Or on my own 

Because they told me from jump

Both my mom and dad 

“Twice as hard for half they have.”

Was I being a 

A model citizen

When I was bullied 

Harassed 

And never fought back

The white girls 

Who were half my size 

Had lipstick redder than my skin

And enough privilege 

To send my great-grandchildren to graduate school

The light-skinned 

Middle Brown 

Chestnut 

And darker skinned black girls 

The black femmes 

Who wanted to continue the cycle 

Of internalized anti-blackness 

Killing us all one by one

The one black girl 

Whom white people confused our names 

Even though I am reddish brown 

And she the color of the space 

Which surrounds our planets and moons

Who hated me because of her obsession 

With me 

And hated that I did not want her 

Pushy 

Aggressive

Boundary-violating ass 

In my face 

Taking that as my being bougie

Uppity 

And thinks going from 

Asking personal questions

That deserve no answers 

To beating me up on a school bus 

After my mom died 

Not to mention follow me 

While taunting me 

Were tokens of friendship 

Was I a proper young lady

When that white boy

Pretended to be my friend 

Only so he could corner me

Isolate me 

In the hopes of raping me 

For his pleasure one day 

Without my knowing 

Was I proper young lady 

For each time 

Men preyed on me 

Some claimed to be 

Praying for me 

They came like wolves

Three 

Five 

Seven years 

My senior 

Graduated to

Ten 

And twenty 

Maybe thirty years 

Old enough to have a drink 

With my dad 

To be my father

Or uncle 

Maybe granddad 

In their eyes 

They knew I was a child 

Even though their lies 

Poured from their lips 

With all the approaching 

My vulnerable 

Curvaceous 

Thick 

Feminine 

Form 

“You act and look so mature”

“You do not look your age”

You could say the same for your daughters 

But I guess you wouldn’t want her

In my position 

With another man 

Worse yet 

Your wife

Baby mama 

God forbid your mother 

Figuring out

You prey on young girls 

And act as if it’s just consensual flirting

With a grown woman

Newsflash, perverted jackass!

Young black girls 

Whether big or small

Dark

Light 

In between 

Are not grown 

And you should check your pedophilia 

In hell 

Where you can fuck yourself 

Into hellfire 

Over and over again 

Don’t forget 

The black trans girls 

The non-binary black children 

And the boys who are femmes 

The girls who are butches 

And everyone else 

That was preyed on 

In the name of anti-blackness 

In the name of invalidating children’s rights

Stealing their innocence and voices in one shot

Were we just being good children 

Respectful 

Well-bred 

When all of this bullshit happened to us 

And had no one to turn to

Because our families

Our friends 

Teachers

Pastors

Churches 

Places of worship

Placed more energy 

Into creating a facade of community

Then actually healing it 

By destroying the systems of oppression

Keeping all of us captive 

In its tight clutches? 

When I said I do not fear hell

I mean I have no terror 

No paralysis of any sort of place 

That has already been made familiar to me 

I have seen the many faces of Satan 

And know them by first name 

I know each and every dark corner of hell

The cracks 

The openings 

For escape 

And entry 

I knew what it meant 

When the beast came out 

What to do 

When it isolated me 

Held me in its grasp 

With nowhere to go 

Fighting with all my strength 

Freezing out of intense fear 

Wishing I were dead instead of alive 

So I would not feel the crushing 

Agonizing suffering of the moment 

Learning the many methods of appeasement 

Over the years 

Because if I could not leave 

I thought I might as well try to control

Maybe change 

The beast 

That made its mission 

To always devour me 

Slowly

So I could feel every sensation

Of degradation

Detachment from a body 

That was not worth protecting 

According to almost everyone in my life

So here I am 

Barely 20

With no home of my own 

Moving from place to place

Outrunning always ‘

The claim of ownership

My past 

My dad 

My mom

My family 

The tormentors 

Have long made me believe

They would always have over me 

Here I am 

Just becoming a young woman

But has more than enough experience

Being placed into

Mature situations 

By adults I trusted 

Without my consent 

Without my approval 

And little to no understanding

Because an adult thinks it’s okay 

To abuse the child’s blind faith in them

And ignore their no’s

Invalidate their inherent sense

Of knowing their wants and needs 

Here I am 

A survivor 

Of the wreckage 

That is 

My family

Once the Black camelot 

On our block 

Now a forgotten site 

Of the only home I ever knew 

A mother 

A wife 

Who died without warning 

A father

A husband 

That did more 

In destroying his daughter 

And her trust in him

With everything he did 

In trying to salvage 

The family he had left  

And then me 

The daughter 

Who learned too early 

That the only one 

Who would protect her 

And give her 

What she truly needed 

Would not be a parent 

A teacher

A pastor 

A friend 

Or lover

Never pornography 

Erotica 

Delicious candy 

Home-cooked food

And it was not an all powerful god 

Not Jesus Christ 

That saved her 

It 

Was 

Me 

And with myself 

Still intact 

Complete with brokeness 

My veins bleeding 

Unapologetically 

My scars moving 

Like the roaring waves 

Upon the unforgiving shores 

I say now 

Before the world

Who may 

Or may not 

Want to hear me 

Enough

(Whisper shyly with fear)

Enough

(Say firmly, with a little more confidence)

Enough! 

(Scream it like you’re reliving your worst nightmare and memory)

Enough!

( A little louder, more anger)

Enough!

(Scream it like you’re reliving your worst nightmare and memory, with all the rage, insanity, and pain that has been forced underground. Prolong it as long as possible while four to six people bang the floor with a stick.)

I have had it!

I am done 

We are through 

Disgusted 

Livid 

Thoroughly 

And completely 

Over it 

 

With your misogyny

Your sexism 

Racism 

Classism 

Homophobia 

Xenophobia 

The many faces 

And colors 

Of your prejudice 

The smiles that side order

Your discrimination 

The laughs that haunt 

The people

You rape 

After closing hours 

And your temper 

Whenever your child

Your partner 

Anyone that is valid 

Expresses a boundary 

Like a freaking normal person!

I demand the space 

To call out 

And put an end 

To rape culture 

To sexual violence 

Gender violence 

Towards all 

And 

Once 

And 

For 

All 

-Jourdan