I guess this is what a relapse looks like...

People talked about relapses a lot! But I wasn't really sure what it had meant. Did it mean you were struggling with being happy, or did it mean being suicidal again?

I wasn't really sure, though.

Now, after a dark period, I know what a relapse looks like. I now understand what it means to have a relapse. Now, I'm pretty sure I had one.

For a little while, I was happy. I didn’t worry about anything, and my life went pretty well. But somehow it turned around. I guess it was a lot of small things all together. It went really bad. I had severe anxiety. I even self-harmed again. I was depressed, semi suicidal, and had a lot of C-PTSD symptoms. Luckily, I realized it myself. So, I made sure I was safe. But it was hard feeling this bad again. It was tough going through such a dark period.

What made it easier for me was knowing I was able to feel okay. Knowing for sure this wasn't forever. One year ago, I didn't know it was temporary because I wasn't happy for eight years straight. This time, I had a happy period right before the relapse, so I could hang on to that thought.

Now, I’m not in that dark place any more. I'm in a more dusk place. I'm still not as happy as I was before, but I'm in control again. I can handle myself, and I can think of what is best for me.

I know I'm still vulnerable and, in this phase, I'll get stressed out easily. How should I handle myself? How can I try to not be disappointed in the chapter that I'm in? Those are the hardest questions.

I guess I have to keep myself from doing unhealthy things. I have to love myself even though I'm unhappy with this setback. But I'm sure I can do it, because if I don't believe in myself, who will? And what am I even doing in that case?

So my advice to anyone asking themselves what a relapse looks or feels like... I don't have an answer. But I can tell you, once you’ve had one, you'll know. And if you're lucky like me, you’ll notice it during the relapse.

I wish you all the best of luck!