I honestly buried it so deep in my psyche I mostly forgot about it. I was only reminded of this experience during a conversation with Troy this past weekend. We were expressing some concern about a mutual friend of ours, Bailey. Sub frenzy was brought up and I started thinking about my personal experiences.

Definition: 

Sub frenzy: a rush of overwhelming, consuming desire to experience every kind of kink [BDSM], as soon as possible, often to the point of neglecting all other concerns.

When I was still in the military a few years back, I met this guy on an internet social media site for people who think like me: 'alternative relationship' types. We talked back and forth for a few weeks before I agreed to meet him. We went to a hipster neighborhood and got some Thai food and drinks. He was nice enough, I could tell he was trying to show off a bit, but overall I liked him. We kissed goodbye in my car. He definitely had Dominant energy; I was very intrigued by him.

I do remember one thing very specific about this night. He growled in my ear and called me a pup, not an uncommon thing in some circles, but not for me. One of the next conversations I had with him, I believe it was over text message, maybe it was in person or over the phone... not sure anymore... I brought up that I didn't like that. I didn't have any desire to be a 'pup' nor 'his pup' nor anything specifically animalistic or 'pet' like. This was a limit for me at the time, a hard one, so that means I was NOT INTERESTED in anyway — not curious about it nor willing to explore it. He told me to not overreact to something so trivial, that it wasn't a big deal. Fast forward: he did it again and acted like it wasn't a big deal when I didn't respond with, 'yes, Sir' or some other thing he immediately expected me to adopt.

Red flag number 1.

Gas-lighting. I was clear about a limit I had. I was told I was overreacting to something 'trivial.' He continued to do the thing anyway. I waited, but I did tell him. He didn't care.

I should have said I didn't like it the exact second it happened. I could have ran away at this exact moment. I could have asked him to get out of my car and make him walk to his. But I didn't. I failed at standing up for myself.

It was exactly our second date that I noticed his domineering and rather gross behavior toward others. We were at a jewelry store while walking around a mall. He was briefly a jeweler or so the story goes back when he lived in Brooklyn. I was talking to the sales guy about gems. At one point in time, I knew a lot about gem stones. Just a hobby I had, learning about the structures, lab created versus mining, etc... So anyway, this guy I was with, let's call him Herbert — Herbert came into the conversation and was insisting both the salesman and I were wrong and he was right. However, I KNEW I was right. I didn't want to escalate anything with the guy I barley knew, so I just backed down and played it off.

I Googled it later. Both myself and this salesman were correct, because SHOCKER it's his job.

Red flag number 2.

Argumentative and domineering especially when someone is challenging them, especially when it's over something trivial.

We eventually went back to his house. I let him know that I did not want to have sex yet. I was tired and had a long drive. I agreed to stay over his place and again, reminded him I did not want to have sex yet. Unfortunately, I think you know where this is going....

We went to bed. We were kissing and relaxing, settling into bed. I had rolled over with my back to him. I had on a t-shirt and undies... I had JUST drifted to sleep and I felt him touching me, fingering me. And yup, we had sex. Although, new outlook on this situation as an adult-feminist sexual assault-educated human being would not use the word sex here. I had not consented to this. I had specifically said I did not want to have sex. I honestly don't remember if he wore a condom. I don't think he did — another consent violation that I was specific from the very beginning.

Huge red flag number 3.He penetrated me after I told him out loud, via text messages, multiple times, I was not ready for this step. (But is this really a red flag or was this the R-word...?)

Rethinking about this night, this entire experience terrifies me. He had under-the-bed restraints set-up... this could have been really bad. Really, really bad. It was bad though. It was.

This is the part where media and culture would say I needed to fight. I should have screamed and said no. I should have ran out to my car. I should have not 'let him' do this. But honestly, I just let him. Maybe I froze. Maybe I liked the fear at little bit. Maybe I'm a terrible person... I didn't do anything that I should have done. I just let this person do this to me, did my best to make sure he did not ejaculate inside of me (yea, as if I really had any control in this moment). This is a really fucked up thing that happened. At one point, I remember being flipped over and he hit me with some type of implement, I think it was a flogger, but I didn't see it and I honestly didn't care anymore.

You know what I did the next morning? You don't want to know... I stayed. He asked me if I was ok. I lied; I said yes. He asked me if he did something wrong. I said no. I said if I had needed him to stop, I would have stopped him. I took the responsibility of his consent violation — why? Because I was insecure and I was naive and trained to 'be nice'.

Look what 'being nice' got me. I didn't want to be rude, so much so, that I convinced myself that I allowed this to happen. Even though I had clearly stated my intentions and clearly outlined my boundaries. He didn't care. There was a female in his bed — apparently that was consent enough.

Fuck you, Herbert.

And you know what else!? I saw this person again. Because I was so desperate to find someone like me. Someone who understood what I needed from an 'alternative relationship.'

And again, I really didn't want to have sex... but in my head, I had already 'given in' once so I let it happen again. We agreed to role-play and I acted like I didn't want him to keep going. I will never forget the look on his face when he paused and said, "Whoa, for a second there, it really sounded like you didn't want this. You are very good at this."

No, I'm actually not. I'm the worst sexual role player ever. Just not my thing. So, I wasn't acting. I didn't want it. I just let it happen anyway. I craved that Dominant energy I wasn't getting from Austin. I was so desperate for it... there's a word for this. Sub frenzy (I mentioned this earlier). So desperate for a single thing or for experiences, that all rational thinking goes out the dam window.

I could list so many other yellow and red flags this guy gave off: he was 'new' to the area so he didn't have friends. He never made me feel comfortable in his house. He left me completely alone and went to talk to his mom on the phone for almost an entire hour. He invited me over so that I could sit and watch him play video games with his weekly online gaming group, because he got lonely. This guy was and I am sure IS a total creep.

After I left that second time, the time he left me alone in his giant townhouse, I deleted him from everything. I think he messaged me on the online platform and got super mad at me for something I had done or said... who knows.... I blocked most of it out... I just remember trying to search for him and couldn't find him. So either he blocked me or deleted his profile. I'm willing to bet it wasn't the second. He has more attractive, young, eager, submissive-female-types to prey on.

I made it all too easy for him to succeed. Was it my fault? Probably not. I suppose I would tell any other 'survivor' or 'victim' that it wasn't. I would tell her she didn't everything right. She listed boundaries and he violated them. I would tell her this man raped her. Sure, she could have made a few different decisions that might have helped her avoid it, but there are endless variables and countless rationale behind what she did.

As for me talking to myself. I can't say that word... I feel like I'm just exaggerating the situation by using it. I feel like I'm not taking any responsibility by using that word. But maybe one day I'll learn it's ok to call it what it is.