This is something that is hard for me to write about. And honestly, I don’t know why I’m writing about it. I think part of me just needs to get it off my chest, and the other part of me just wants to help someone. So here goes nothing, this is the story about 12-year-old me and the first guy she met who would, later on, become the person I feared.

Before I go on, this post may be triggering for some. So here are some resources in the U.S.

• The national suicide prevention hotline- 1-800-273-8255
• The National sexual assault hotline- 1-800-656-4673
• And the crisis text line- 741-741

I was 12 when I met “C” on an online app called meowchat. C was 15; he was very kind, sweet, caring, and seemed to like me. He and I seemed to hit it off right away. He became my best friend, someone I could trust. This was just an online friendship; we never met in person. I haven’t told this story because of what people might think of me if they found this out.

C and I were talking every day, any chance we got to talk we would take it. One day things just kind of switched. I mean a week or so before it went to hell there were things that we talked about, that were “off.” One day he seemed mad, told me he was in control over me, that I belonged to him.

I know what you’re thinking — that I should’ve left right then and there, but he was my only friend, I didn’t know what to do, and he threatened me. C started getting bossy and possessive and wanted to know what I was doing at all times. I tried leaving, I mean we weren’t even dating. But whenever I would try to leave, he’d threaten me.

I should’ve left right then and there, but he was my only friend, I didn’t know what to do, and he threatened me.

I remember talking to C one night after we had been talking for a few months and he asked for a nude picture of me. I told him “no, I’m not comfortable with that” and asked why he wanted one. He then proceeded to tell me that he had a bad day at school and that if I really was his friend I would help him out. I gave in—I sent him a nude picture. I felt disgusted and used. He told me that if I didn’t send it to him that he would come and find me and “make me pay for it.” I know some might think this is my fault because I sent the picture and I should’ve just told somebody. I was scared of C.

I would then later get messages from his friends, saying they liked what they saw because at this point he was having me send them regularly. I told him I didn’t want to but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He started showing a few of his friends the pictures. I was 12 when this started. It went on until I was 15.

When he stopped talking to me it was one of the best days of my life because I was free from a guy who ruined things for me. But there was a consequence, instead of dealing with these issues, I hid them deep down inside of me and locked them up, where I could forget about them. I didn’t want to believe that I did that. I felt disgusted because I know how society is when it comes to things like sexual harassment and stuff like that. And often the person being pressured into sending the pictures is blamed because they had the choice whether to send it or not. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I started getting flashbacks to all of this. I have felt so alone because I don’t know how to just go about life without thinking that the photos are out there. I remember one night when I told my boyfriend about this, he listened to me and talked to me about things. C was a monster and has haunted me. I needed to get this off my chest and writing seems to be the only thing helping. So I urge you please if you are ever being used that way to stand up, but I also see why you wouldn’t stand up because of the control. Just know that I am here for anyone who may need it and that you will get through this. You are survivor.