I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It means I was traumatized during a long period of my life while I was a kid. It also means my flashbacks are less specific because I was so young. And it certainly means my mind is playing tricks on me a lot of the time!

I guess my therapist is right… My PTSD is influencing me and I’m not even sure in what way. I used to think they made a mistake by saying I have PTSD. Now I understand it a little better, but I still don’t feel like I have PTSD. But apparently, that’s what my PTSD is: I question myself all the time and I think I'm overreacting. I hate myself for not letting go of the past. I hate myself for remembering my traumas.

My PTSD made me forget the traumas, but my body never did. My body tells me I'm in danger. My body thinks the trauma is happening right now yet my head doesn’t understand what’s going on. My head has stored the trauma in a place I cannot find. Sometimes I’m able to guess where my physical and emotional reactions are coming from. It frustrates me that I have no memory of the underlying trauma.

I understand if people don’t understand the things I’m writing because I'm a little vague. I'm just so scared to speak out loud what my gut feeling is telling me. Because if I say it out loud, I can’t go back. My thoughts, my words will be written here forever. I can’t even explain what makes me feel this way. I guess this is a safe place to say things; I will not be judged.

I know my dad has crossed boundaries, sexually. I remember details of things I should not have heard. I'm not sure how often that happened. What confuses me the most is some disturbing “memories” I have. And I’m not sure what they mean. Are they my fantasy, do I take this too seriously?

For some daughters, it’s normal to see/be with your daddy naked. But I'm not sure if that’s the case with me. My dad was always in prison or he was aggressively stalking us. So I don’t have many memories from him as a part of our normal family life. Most memories I have are violent or are gone. I just have some memories I’ve never talked about because I’m scared of them. I'm scared of what they mean. I’m scared of what memories will come up if I let them in. I don’t want to make drama but somehow I'm affected by this memory. To be honest, I don’t want to know what really happened in that memory because now I’m still able to minimalize it.

My PTSD is playing tricks on me. My body tells me nothing is allowed “in” me. My body tells me men are dangerous. My body tells me I’m in serious danger. My mind is telling me I’m overreacting, my mind tells me I should hate myself. My mind tells me nothing ever happened. My emotions tell me I’m filthy. My emotions tell me something did happen. My emotions tell me all this need to be kept a secret.

I'm not sure what to believe. What is my PTSD and what is my honest self?

Last year, there were a lot of new memories coming through. They often confirmed my feelings. They often where trauma related. I don’t want this memory to be real. I don’t want to know for sure what happened. I just want my PTSD to make me forget this but unfortunately, I can’t choose what my PTSD is doing.

My therapist tells me I will remember more when I’m ready for it and I'm definitely NOT ready for more trauma memories!

~written by Namasté allday~