After my attack and abuse in the past, I took a long hard look at myself. Not with any blame but to find out what this toxic pattern was. I started to read books about abuse and toxic relationships. And I heard this term which seemed alien to me. It was self-love. I laughed and said well I like myself. I think I am funny and smart! But then it dawned on me what does loving yourself really mean? Then I thought, well, I know how to love another person, I need to start showing this love to myself.  After this last physical attack, I really looked deep inside. I put up boundaries but never enforced them. Basically, I had no boundaries. In a sense, I was a doormat. I heard my intuition and saw the red flags but thought I can change the person or the way I viewed this person. I lost myself. I turned into someone that I did not know or recognize. After a while of warning a toxic partner that you will leave and you don’t, they do not take you seriously and you start to not take yourself seriously.

At some point, you start with doubts about yourself and question everything. It’s like the law of attraction: we can only attract into our life what we are putting out. By not loving myself enough, I attracted someone of a lower vibration because I was on that low vibration. That is why I stopped dating so I can really take care of this. You are so susceptible out in this world when you lack love for yourself. Now I have not only learned boundaries, but I have also found my voice and use it frequently. It is not that I did not speak up in the past, but I usually waited until it was too late. I also have learned now that when my body needs rest or downtime, I listen. I stop trying to force myself to do things when I feel low on energy. I stopped feeling guilty about saying no to people when I feel low on energy. I think of it this way if my cup is empty, how will I help anyone else? I also take time out for myself and do little things for myself such as counseling, take myself to lunch, have quiet time or a relaxing bath. I grew up in an Italian family and from what I observed, the women were the ones who cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids and worked and also sat down last after everyone was served. So that is what I did; I grew up thinking that this was life. But in reality, this is no way to live—by taking care of everyone else first. What I did was exhaust myself to the point of severe anxiety and panic attacks. This realization and healing did not happen overnight but if you are committed on your journey to healing, you will soon discover how much easier your life gets the more you love yourself.