He fought hard.

I never thought he would but yet he did it. His illness destroyed him. At first he was a young and healthy man who loved to spend time with his family.It was always fun around him—he had something, something charismatic about him. People were drawn to him, he was a likable person. We used to fish a lot together—my brother, he and I. He taught us to sit still until the bobber moved. That wasn’t easy for a seven-year-old. We liked fishing but what we actually didn’t know was that it was a cheap amusement, and that was the reason for my mom and dad to teach us.

People were drawn to him, he was a likable person.

A little while later he got sick. At first we all thought it was just a flu. Eventually it appeared not to be. When he had to go to the hospital, we already felt it, it didn’t feel right. By the time he got home, he didn’t look okay, his emotional pain was noticeable. A little while before the checkup they told us he would hear the results after 10 days.He came in and told us he already had the result of the checkup. It wasn’t good. Six months, max. We cried a lot. He was an important part of our lives. I really would miss him.Soon his health became a lot worse. He had serious pain and sometimes he needed to go to the hospital urgently. He often told us he had hoped the doctors were wrong but he knew by now that they weren’t.It was really had to make the decision but I guess it was the best way for him to die. In this way he wasn’t hurting nor was it horror to see. He just went asleep, forever…. The last thing he told me was “please never forget, I love you, I’m so proud of you. I’ll always be there and I’ll always love you, no matter what”.His last words were powerful and suiting._____I kind of wished this was the way it all ended, the way he ended… But it isn’t. It’s a sad reality for many people, unfortunately it isn’t my reality.I know this sounds weird but I’ll try to explain why this was my dream ending._____My daddy was abusive, mentally, physically, socially, and sexually. He hurt my mom, my brother, myself, and many other people. My daddy decided to stalk my family when my mom tried to divorce him. He mailed, wrote, spied, called, broke in our home, scammed us financially. He did anything to be a negative part of our lives. He made sure we never had peace; he made sure we were in fear all the time. And believe me, he did it on purpose. Sometimes he called us about 380 times in 24 hours. When we picked up the phone, he told us that he was changed (while he was under the influence of anything and everything), then he said we were *************** (all the bad and inappropriate things you can imagine), and most of the time it ended in the following sentence: “I’m getting in the car right now, I’m going to kill you all!”

He made sure we never had peace; he made sure we were in fear all the time.

And he always did what he told us. He came by with his gun—screaming, destroying anything. That’s why we mostly didn’t picked up the phone. The police helped us as much as they could, but what can you do about a drug addict who keeps the entire police corps busy?A couple weeks before my 16 birthday, he started stalking us again. We got weird packages. He called and drove by. But suddenly it stopped without need for escalation. We all forgot about it or at least we tried to.At my 16 birthday we were sitting in our garden. A couple people were at my party; the weather was really amazing. Suddenly my foster care sister came by and had two police officers with her. My mom tried to make a joke even though she already had a clue what it was about. “Well you’re turning 16 so we brought you some strippers”. Everybody laughed until the police asked my mom to have a little talk. After that talk everybody went home because we all wanted to live some days longer. My daddy was on his way to kill our family. The police had tracked him down and advised us to flee. We weren’t going to do that. We already did that too much!The next few days the police would monitor my dad more and we had a special emergency number.

My daddy was on his way to kill our family.

Three weeks later my uncle and aunt were on our doorstep. We hadn’t seen them in ten years because they choose my daddy’s side. They’ had driven for three hours. It was clear it wasn’t for a tea party.They sat down. My mom called my brother to join us. When we all were ready to listen, they said, “unfortunately, I have to tell you, your daddy died last night….” We all looked at each other but didn’t really react. “Soon there will be a funeral, of course you are invited. I’m sure he’d want you to be there”. Again we looked at each other.I think my uncle and aunt only spent ten minutes in our home. They expected us to cry, to be sad and emotional. But we weren’t. My uncle, especially, was mad we didn’t really react but what did he want us to say? He knew that my daddy had terrorized us for years but choose not to believe us. It really was hard to understand that he was gone. It definitely took some time to realize it was all over now.

I’m angry he died.

Now I think I have it all in place. I had hoped for years that he would die. That the terror should stop and now my prayers were heard. But there are so many other thoughts. I’m angry he died. I hoped to have a chance to tell him the truth. But yet again, he decided the way things go. I will never have a good talk with him; I will never be able to confront him. He basically killed himself (with drugs). His drugs were more important than anything else. Even more important than being a dad. He took the opportunity away for me to process everything that happened. Again he made the call….Nobody spoke to us about it, because we weren’t sad (in the way you’d expect when a parent dies). Nobody ever told us they would understand if we were affected. It was like it didn’t happen, but to us it did! I stayed home from school for one week. When it was told to my classmates, one of them reacted “but she didn’t even had contact with him did she?”_______I wished he fought for his life. I wished I loved him. I wish I could cherish good memories. I wish his last words were “I love you” but instead his last words were “I’m on my way to murder you and your family”~written by Namasté allday~