Who am I now?

That's a good question. For so long, I've struggled to find the answer. I guess I'm still struggling. I've been told who I am and what I should do or be for so long that finding myself has seemed nearly impossible. I wish I could tell you that since it has been six years, I'm physically and mentally healthy. The truth is, I'm not.For awhile, I followed the chain of choosing the wrong men. I've allowed them to use and abuse me. I've allowed them to manipulate me. Because of this, loving someone, in general, is harder. I've come to a place in life where I would rather be alone, where I am finally tired – tired of being hurt, tired of being let down. I've learned lately, though, that life is nothing less than trials – trials that shape us and help us to grow. Mentally, well, I'm working on what that is to me. I struggle with depression and confidence. Every day is a trial for me, but I'm working through it.Physically, I am paying the price for what my abuser did to me. I am 21, and I have had multiple procedures this year and still need surgery. I am constantly in pain. The doctors say that my body is responding the way it is because of scarring. Suddenly, those gray areas in my memory are proven true and what makes it worse is I still don't remember them. I wish I could, because I've never truly found closure. I give everyone the face they wish to see – the face that says I'm ok. Some days, I actually believe I am.

I know God is with me and he has a plan. Sometimes, it's hard to keep faith, but that's all I have to hold on to. I know the minute I lose that, I will have completely lost myself.

In five years, I face him again to testify why he shouldn't be released. I don't believe justice will ever be served. That's what hurts the most. Someday, I hope to be able to look him in the eyes and truly mean it when I say " I forgive you." That will be the day I've found closure, and I can move on. For now, I'm working on healing myself."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"- Mathew 6:34