To the Devil himself:

Nov. 30th 2011I want to be able to hate you, but I can't. I wish I could scream and shout out at you, but I can't, and even if I could, I wouldn't know how. I do want to say that no matter how much I hate you, no matter how angry I get at you, I will never get my childhood back. I will never get my youth that you stole from me. Because of what you did to me, my mind is so distorted as what love is, and what it means to have someone care for me. I'm 24 years old, and I feel like the only way to feel loved by anyone or cared for is to let them hurt me. Either sexually, physically, mentally, or even emotionally. At least if they are doing those things they are showing me some kind of attention and that must mean they care about me right? Wrong, you caused me to think this way. And it’s not the right way to think. There are days when I wish you could feel the same amount of pain that I feel on an everyday basis. You stole my family away from me. Because of what you did, and because they didn't believe me, I don't have them anymore. What were you thinking while you were on top of me, making me feel your power?You know what I was thinking—that it hurt, that I was scared and that I just wanted to go home. Or this must be what good girls do in order to get love and attention??? Because of you, I can't have a normal relationship with a guy because I am so scared that he will do to me what you did. I withdraw from them, because I'd rather be alone then endure that kind of pain again. I wake up constantly throughout the night scared because I can feel your god forbidden hands all over me, and I just wish they'd go away. Your face and your touch is everlasting in my mind and my body will never forget even though when I go to bed at night that is all I freaking pray for—is to wake up and to never ever have another thought of you again. I can't have a normal relationship with anyone, I don't even know how.

Because of you, I can't have a normal relationship with a guy because I am so scared that he will do to me what you did.

You have ruined me in ways that I can't even put or find the words for. I don't even know what kind of chance I had at life. I was so little when you started doing your disgusting deed that I don't even remember what I was like. Was I funny, was I energetic, was I loving, who was I? Those are answers I'll never get. I will never know what my life could have been. I have done so many negative things to just try and make you go away and it never, ever works. I've cut myself to make your hands go away. I've done drugs so I didn't have to remember what happened, I've had sex with random men, just to feel something, and all that I'm left with is feeling more unloved and worthless then before. What upsets me the most is I let you destroy my life. And I want my life back. I don't want my present and my future planned out for me any more. You wrote the story of my childhood and teen years. God forbid I let you write the story of my adult life. You took the years that should have been filled with joy and fun and used them for your own sick purpose. You're a heartless monster, and I despise you. I just want my life back. I want the life that you stole from me.

I lost my teen years in hospitals because I didn't know how to cope with what happened to me—figuring that my life wasn't worth living because of all the damaged that you caused.

When I was four and you first put your filthy hands on me, you changed my life and the world around me forever. From that moment the world around me would never be the same. I knew evil at way too young of an age. You made me grow up way to fast. I am a 24 year-old girl, and somedays I feel 50 years old. I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders. I feel like I am constantly running because I'm trying to run away from you, but you keep following. I have spent years in therapy because of you raping and molesting me. I lost my teen years in hospitals because I didn't know how to cope with what happened to me—figuring that my life wasn't worth living because of all the damaged that you caused. I guess the one thing that I have on you is that I didn't keep your secret. I told, and told until someone cared enough to believe me. And even then I kept telling and telling. I only wish I knew your name so I could plaster it everywhere telling the world what you did to me. You stole my innocence; you stole my youth; you stole so much from me, but you didn't steal my voice. Yeah for a little while you did, only because you fed me with lies, but I grew up and realized I could tell and that I would be ok. The craziest thing about everything is that you are the one who held me down from the ages of 8-10 and raped me. You are the one who sodomized me. You are the one who raped a CHILD in the back seat of a car, and yet I am the one who feels dirty, and disgusting, and embarrassed. I finally get it—I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a little girl, a baby. I didn't know any better, but you, you knew better. I don't blame anyone but you. I might not believe this right now, but the first step to believing it, is to say it, and to keep saying it until I believe it, and when that happens, you will no longer have control over me or the little girl thats inside me. I will say this: I don't hate you, because I don't hate anyone, but I do dislike you with every core of my being, and I hope to never ever see your face again, or to hear your voice ever again.

I finally get it—I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a little girl, a baby. I didn't know any better, but you, you knew better.

But I forgive you not for you but for myself. But just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I'll ever forget. And for future reference, I AM NO LONGER YOUR GOOD GIRL!!! I WILL NEVER KEEP YOUR SECRETS AGAIN!!! And I DON'T LOVE YOU. You are nothing to me. And the day I believe all of this will be the day that I will soar, you best believe it... You took my childhood, you took my innocence, and you took my youth, but you can't have my future. One day your memory will fade from my mind, I might not forget, but it will be a different experience that won't paralyze me with fear, or make me want to crawl into a hole. But I do hope this for you, that my memory will never ever leave you. That my eight year old screams will be forever embedded into your memory. That every night when you go to sleep you will hear a little girl begging for you too stop and to just let her go home. And then I want you to hear the 24 year old saying, she told, and for you to leave in fear of getting caught every day of your miserable life. The one who doesn't belong to you:K. Lee