This was a tough one. It still is. And I don't want to forgive them, that isn't what this is about. I need to forgive myself. I held onto everything. Blamed myself for the times I was too tired to fight. Blamed myself for doing something wrong. This couldn't possibly have happened to me unless I deserved it right? I was so lost. I spent years blaming myself for not fighting harder, not getting away sooner, not trying to tell another person.

The journey of forgiveness is hard. I was so attached to my abuser by the time it ended, I was upset when he fled and never came back. I hated myself for being upset that he left. I hated how attached I had become to him. I relied on him for everything. I didn't even rely on my own mother. I spent years not understanding that he was truly the bag guy and forgiving myself for taking so long to realize it.

To other survivors: don't blame yourself. It is OK and completely normal to care or even miss your abuser if you have been with them for an extended time. What they did was wrong. They brainwashed, abused, and hurt us over and over again. They forced us to be reliant on them. It is not our fault. I know it sounds impossible, but don't blame yourself. You are so much stronger than you think. We all are.