This story is the first of a three-part series where we asked the experts "How do I know if I'm healed?" In this first post, Anne Riemer, LCPC of Bozeman, Montana, shares her thoughts on Healing. The value of therapy.Trauma of any kind needs to be processed and moved through the body. A therapist can help process trauma in a safe space. Sharing can help you gain power over the abuse and it can also help you move through feelings of guilt or shame when you have someone else witness your story and validate that it wasn’t a result of something you did or did not do (since the perpetrator will often blame the victim). Sometimes we get stuck blaming ourselves for abuse, because it can help us feel that we might be able to prevent it in the future and gives us a false sense of safety. These feelings and fears can be worked through with a skilled therapist. Ways to heal.There are many ways to process and heal through sexual trauma, and everyone processes differently. I would recommend sand tray therapy, journaling, art, reading books about healing, trauma processing yoga, EMDR, and working with a massage therapist or physical therapist who specializes in trauma and abuse. We all process things differently and it is important to honor one's own journey and way of processing. I do feel that because of the shame that can often be related to this type of abuse that being able to find a safe space to share what has happened and find others who have been through something similar such as HER can be tremendously powerful.

We all process things differently and it is important to honor one's own journey and way of processing.

Benefits of sharing your story.Unfortunately, when people share their story they realize they are not alone, and not even in the minority! There is comfort in numbers and being understood by others. Seeing others who have be though something similar can allow our compassion for others to lead us back to finding compassion for ourselves. It also helps us realize that the abuse was not specifically about us. It is about the abuser making a choice, and, therefore, it is also not within our ability to fix it or change it. Survivors often say, “The old me is gone but in her place is a stronger version of myself.” Here’s for the survivors who don’t feel stronger yet. Be where you are at the present moment to honor your feelings of not necessarily feeling stronger yet, and trust that they are exactly where they are suppose to be at that moment. Abuse is devastating on so many levels and it is important to allow time to honor the process of healing. Sometimes it is also helpful to redefine strength.

Be where you are at the present moment to honor your feelings of not necessarily feeling stronger yet, and trust that they are exactly where they are suppose to be at that moment.

A healing timeline.Everyone heals in their own personal way. What I want my clients to know more than anything else is that their journey through something as terrible as abuse is their own — they are in charge and no one has a right to tell them how or when to heal. Sometimes people may feel as though they have moved through it completely and then something comes back when they have children or see a certain movie and they feel the pain and devastation again. Sometimes healing is not an end result or a destination, it is the journey itself.

Healing is not an end result or a destination, it is the journey itself.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Often times people blame themselves for the abuse they have suffered by someone they love. But we must never take responsibility for someone else’s behaviors or choice to hurt us. The abuse is their choice, loving them merely gave them an opportunity to be abusive. And many abusers are very lovable. Most everyone has many positive characteristics, and it is important to realize that finding things that are lovable about others is actually a sign of strength and compassion, not a weakness. Loving someone who is abusive is often a sign of great compassion and hopefulness that sometimes can be capitalized on by perpetrators of abuse. It is also important to remember that many perpetrators of abuse were at one point victims of abuse and this plays heavily into why they have chosen this behavior.  Looking ahead.I have spent the majority of my personal life and my career sitting with people who have been abused by others. I believe that patriarchy (not necessarily or specifically men) — but a system that supports some people having power and control over others — has paved the way for abuse to happen and continue. I am more hopeful now then I have ever been in the past that we may be beginning the journey to changing this system which I believe is harmful to all genders. I was teaching about the roots of abuse and violence in a mountain school in Colorado the same day that the shooting happened at Columbine. It was a horrific day for all of us at the school, and we had to change gears and become crisis counselors for children who didn’t understand. Years later, it breaks my heart to know that although we do understand about the roots of violence, we have done little to actually change it. Mass shootings have become common, and my sons are not only unsurprised by their occurrence, but their days go on normally in spite of them. In this time where people are beginning to speak more publicly about abuse they have suffered, it is not only important that we listen and celebrate those who do speak up, but also to realize that we are standing on the shoulders of those who have come before who were unable to speak up, because the world was at a different place and realize that they are every bit as courageous in their journeys as those who chose to speak out now.

I am more hopeful now then I have ever been in the past that we may be beginning the journey to changing this system which I believe is harmful to all genders.

About me.I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor or (LCPC) with a Masters degree in Transpersonal Psychology and Counseling. I also spent seven years of my life working as an outreach and education coordinator and advocate for a domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy team. I could never truly articulate how much I owe to the amazing people who have allowed me to be a part of their journey. Anne Riemer, LCPC