I've been through a lot of things that changed me forever! I didn't even process all the things that have happed. I guess most things will take a lot of time and maybe I'll never “get over it.”

Spirituality helped me to accept things. I used to believe in god. As a child, I was very religious even though I wasn't raised like a Christian. Of course, we had our morals but before my ninth birthday, I had never ever read the bible. But as a two or three-year-old, I was told some very weird religious things like, “you know who was in pain very badly? Jesus. He had some terrible pain!” Later I became friends with a very religious girl. She taught me a lot and after a little while I became a good Christian.

Some years later, our friendship ended and I started to have troubles with faith. I wanted to believe in God but it was hard for me to understand how God would let certain things happen. I didn't understand how God had let the abuse from my dad happen. I couldn't understand why my mom got sick and why I am disabled. 

I felt like God either didn't exist or didn't really care.

While I was non-religious, I had a rough time. I was a teenager and had o a lot of hormones which made me feel depressed when I was 12 years old. Depression is still something I'm fighting against. 

As I was working on my personal growth through therapy, I started to see things differently. 

Because I was super depressed and anxious, I tried to look at myself differently. I was in the middle of my own pain. Not understanding life, not wanting to live any second longer, I just wanted to stop the pain. 

Realizing I was a soul, an energy that's infinite, made me desperate at first. It would mean my pain wouldn't end even if I ended myself. But later it made me see things differently. I needed to go through this pain. I saw everything that happened as a black spot in a space filled with colors. The black spot needed to be seen. Shutting it down wasn't the answer because the black spot would find another soul to let it bleed. 

It also made me realize every pain was temporary even if it was the worst pain I've ever felt. I started looking at myself, not as a human but a soul, an energy or vibration. I could see my situation as human suffering and not as infinite suffering. It also made me feel like I was in control of some things. When I looked at life like a big ocean and me standing somewhere in it, I realized all the movements I made were having an effect on me. Even if there came a big wave because of someone else's behavior, I was still able to reform that wave. I could send waves in the world, good waves, hoping someday those waves will bounce back to me, giving me positive things in life.

Since half a year ago, I feel better about God. To be honest, I still don't believe there is an almighty God—deciding if I do things right, a God who I need to ask for forgiveness, a God who leads me to the right path, as if I'm a sin myself, as if I'm on the wrong path and I haven't got the strength to find the right path myself. 

It's okay if people feel comforted by the idea there is a God who takes care of them. I used to feel safe by that idea myself. So I understand, I really do! I don't need a “father in heaven.” That's just a really sensitive subject for me. I need to realize I have all the strength in me. 

I am a soul with a human experience...

I believe everything has a soul...

I believe every soul is equal...

I believe all the answers are hidden inside me...

By believing this, I can choose every day, every moment, to take control. To react from my soul, my vibration, not from my human suffering. And my feelings are valid, they are real but they are part of me being a human. So I can decide what to do with them. 

I guess the part of God that made me feel bad was the fact that God is some kind of superior thing. My path is already decided by him. Those are not the things that I need at this moment in my life. Because was I supposed to get abused by my dad? Was this part of my purpose God planned for me? Or did satan do this? Is satan a strong bad force? I don't want to believe that. I think life is a wheel of events, flowing, changing constantly. Every movement has consequences and that's not because of satan nor God. That's because we choose to.

And I still grieve about my past. I'm still affected because of it. I'm sad when my pet dies and I'm worried that my mom is sick.

I cry when I bump my head into something hard and I laugh when my cat is looking for the red dot.

Because I am human, but I am my own God too. As long as I do everything with sincere intentions.

Note: I'm okay with all religions, cultures, and origins. As long as we don't hurt each other. Just be you're awesome self and don't hide it from the world. We need inner beauty in this world so badly.

~written by namasté allday~