For those of you who have been following my story here, or for those of you who know what it’s like to walk in these shoes, I have to say that, following my assault, intimacy of any kind absolutely terrified me. Especially when your first physical experiences with intimacy end up the way mine did… the idea of even being close to someone in ANY way is overwhelming. Suddenly, I found myself scared to even sit too close to guys. Getting hugs sent my head into panic, especially when they were those long, squeezing  hugs. The most terrifying was resulting from typical teenage interaction, like having a guy put his arm around my waist casually. It was like a trap. My relationships just failed and failed and failed—every single one the same way. The longest relationship I held for a while I spoke about in “The Aftermath Healing through Music”, but there was never actual intimacy beyond a few innocent kisses.

I’m literally shaking my head at myself writing this. I met him on campus. We shared friends and somehow never interacted before. I had gone to get lunch with my friends for the first time in a while. We saw some of our other friends already there. I sat next to him and our friends introduced us, also surprised we hadn’t met before. I mentioned his hockey jersey, since one of my cousins had just gone to a game the previous week. Soon enough, we were just talking to each other, shutting out all our other friends in our own little bubble. When we had to head to class, my girlfriends grabbed me and were all in a tizzy about it. “Oh my GOD, Andy! Isaac is so into you!” “Giiiiiirl, you need to hit him up. I have his number. Do you want it?” I politely declined. I didn’t want to seem like some doe-eyed school girl. Surprisingly enough, the next afternoon he texted me. He got my number from our friend Mike. We started texting all day every day, going to lunch together, and then finally went out on a date. It was easy. There wasn’t any real effort required, which was new to me. At the end of our date, I went to hug him, and in a brief pause, he pulled me close and kissed me.

Our friends were overjoyed to hear we were now a Facebook-official item. We were suddenly the “it” couple. We planned everything together. We practically lived with each other after about a month. He started staying at my place 3-4 nights a week, and I stayed the other nights at his place. If I had to work, he would just stay at my place, same when he had to work. We were just infatuated with each other. I was always holding his hand, or he always had his arm around me. We were like magnets. Isaac gushed to his friends about me. He bragged on Facebook and posted pictures of me asleep on the couch in his arms with cute captions like, “My world, my love, my everything. Gorgeous, even in her sleep.” After a few months, I really believed… for the first time in my life… I was truly in love. I believed we were going to married. I wanted kids with him and everyone who knows me know I never wanted children ever before. It was part of this perfect little picture in my head. Me… Isaac… two little ones running around the house. I had dreams about it.

Naturally, our relationship had progressed to places I hadn’t ventured. After Seth, I had never had any physical intimacy with anyone I dated beyond kissing, and even that was a struggle. Isaac had this carefree vibe about him, and so even when I was nervous about something, his demeanor just seemed to rub off on me. I remember one evening we were sitting on Isaac’s couch watching some crime drama. I hadn’t been paying attention since I was reading a book. Isaac grabbed my legs and pulled my legs over his lap. I blushed a little. He reached over and pulled my torso closer, putting his hand on the side of my face and pulling me in for a gentle kiss. I kissed him. He kissed me again. I put my hand up to the side of his face, and we ended up making out. His hand slipped to the bottom of my shirt, holding the hem in his fingers. I initially flinched at the feeling of the back of his hand against my skin. I paused for a moment. He looked at me like, “Is this okay?” My head was getting tangled up and running with panic thoughts… Where is this going? What if...>? He kissed me again and I tried to keep my head quiet, so I could enjoy the kiss. I kept kissing him while his hands explored under my shirt.

I remember how weird I felt after. It was enjoyable, but I remember thinking Is something wrong with me? Why do I feel so weird about it? I enjoyed that, but here I am double thinking. It’s normal, Andy. You must be the only virgin in your friends’ group. You know you are. You’ve never even had intimacy. Of course, it’s going to be weird given what you went through. This is all new.

Later that week, Isaac left for the weekend with his friends for a bachelor party for one of his childhood friends. He was a few hours away, and it was really the first time we spent apart in a while. The day he got back, I came home from work just as he was getting out of the shower. He was shirtless. I kissed him hello. Some unexpected hormones hit me, and it ended up with both of us shirtless.

A few weeks later it went farther. And a little farther. Nothing odd about that, right? I was still having some odd feelings about my intimacy with Isaac. I was fighting back those creeping thoughts in my head like This is too good to be true. It’s all going to unravel on you. And… I was right. I came home one day to find Isaac watching porn on my laptop on my couch. Now, don’t get me wrong here, Isaac and I had been slowly delving into intimacy, so this didn’t necessary shock me. What shocked me was shortly after this finding that Isaac’s entire phone memory card was full of porn. I’m not here dissing on porn. I’m pointing out that Isaac had a LOT of it on him. I noticed when I came home, if he had been alone and using my laptop, he was watching porn for hours. Usually from the time I left to the time I returned, and I usually worked 4-6 hour shifts. It just seemed odd to me.

WARNING: GRAPHIC

Over break, he came with me to my parent’s place to visit. We stayed the night before going back the next evening. We were sleeping in my bed in my old room. I hadn’t felt good that evening. I probably had picked up a virus from campus and was super congested. I took a max dose of sinus medication meant for night, so I could sleep. In the very, very early morning hours, I woke up to Isaac’s hand in my panties. I was so drowsy that it didn’t register with me. I just laid there for a few moments. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, and my body and head weren’t working together (think sleep paralysis). I finally realized what Isaac was doing as he pulled himself closer to me and got rougher. I finally got my head and body together and grabbed his hand. I was so groggy, but I managed to say, “What are you doing?” Isaac’s response was, “Pleasuring you.” My brow furrowed, and I said, “While I was asleep?” and he said, “Oh I thought you were awake.” I didn’t want my parents to hear. I was trying to keep my voice at a whisper, “Well I wasn’t.” He shrugged, “You were moaning. So, you must have liked it.”

I didn’t fall back asleep after that. Isaac rolled over and slept facing away from me. I felt disgusting. It was an all too familiar feeling. Let me tell you something, you never expect to end up abused twice. You constantly fear it, but never expect it. Looking back, I realize that I didn’t even comprehend just how vile that experience was. My skin is crawling just thinking about that. You never think it would happen AGAIN. My head was trying to tell me Well at least he doesn’t beat you. He says he loves you. You are probably overreacting. He’s not Seth. This was just a misunderstanding. You are being paranoid.

I was happy to finally get a little space from Isaac the rest of the week. He decided to go home and visit his family, so I stayed at my parent’s house. My own bed, that I had always loved returning to… suddenly felt strange to me. I didn’t sleep well the rest of the break.

There is more to this story… but that’s for another day. Revisiting these experiences can be mentally painful, and I must do it in doses. However, these reflections offer me the ability to look back with hindsight in mind and finally begin repairing the damage. As my HER name implies, these reflections can be painful and singeing, but every piece I have written has helped me finally burn that experience and that memory for me. Every piece has made me feel empowered, as I’m finally confronting these experiences, I worked so hard to suppress and healing. Thank you everyone who has shared kind comments on the Facebook, Instagram, and HER media in response to my writing. I see all your comments and greatly appreciate them <3