Dear you,

You may look at this letter and throw it away. You may just be curious enough to see what it says. You may be basking in the glory knowing I am giving you more thought than you deserve. For whatever reason...I hope you keep reading.

 I am working on forgiving you.

 After many long conversations with God, my therapist, and close friends I am able to recognize how I am in the wrong. I speak of forgiveness but struggle practicing it with you. Forgiveness is truly difficult. I can’t just forget, but I am working on forgiving.

 I am working on forgiving you for ruining “the happiest place on earth” and also making it the best place. I am working on forgiving you for deserting me along the way, accusing me of flirting with your father, creating arguments over sharing a pretzel with your family, and making me sit alone in a separate row during a grand Disney show. But I am also working on forgiving you for holding my hand and making me feel loved, for buying me the blanket to keep me warm during the fireworks, and for making me think more trips like this with your family was a futuristic possibility.

 I am working on forgiving you for making my job at the time feel like not enough for me, but also too much for us. I am working on forgiving you for bringing me a delicious meal to enjoy together on my dinner break and then 5 minutes later yelling at me at my place of employment for doing my job. I am working on forgiving you for accusing me of being too “flirtatious” and “available” as I kindly help members as their guest services representative. I am working on forgiving you for telling me I could do more, am capable of more, deserve more, but then yelling at me that my job was sucking my soul and coming between us.

 I am working on forgiving you for breaking my trust. For every time you read my emails, checked my texts, examined my Facebook, and made calls from my phone to see who I had talked to. I am working on forgiving you for your own mistrust. For choosing who I get to talk to and who gets to talk to me. I am working on forgiving you for yourself.

 I am working on forgiving you for all the hurtful things. For telling me my family never made you feel included. For having our friend recognize how you were and losing his friendship for years because of you. For the endless phone calls that resulted in me crying asking for your forgiveness because I went out to dinner with a group of girls or for coming home 30 minutes late. For all the expensive gifts and romantic gestures to forgive you and make me feel loved. For all the hurtful words and accusations of me cheating on you. For your inability to trust me. For not letting me be me. For not seeing it for 8 years.

But most of all I am trying to forgive you for all the destroyed relationships. For the hurt you caused your mother because she saw it and defended me. For losing the best friend you had because he was a genuinely good person who cared about both of us. For making me complicated in every relationship after you.

 The hardest part in all of this is trying to forgive myself for letting you treat me that way.

-BellesBurden