In this world, we’re all in search for a counterpartBut how can I decide what that is if I don’t even know what I want?

They say that you never forget your first love.

That that person holds a special place in your heart. For me, that person was Collin. And it was definitely true because even after ten years, there was something about him that always stayed with me. You see, from the moment I first saw Collin, I felt inexplicably drawn to him. I know, it sounds horribly cliche. Like something out of a bad romance novel. But there was just something about him. Whether it was the easiness of his smile or the warmth in his eyes, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I just wanted to be close to him.We started dating when I was a freshman in high school. He was a sophomore. Our actual relationship didn’t last long—maybe a month. We broke up for a stupid reason as is the way with most high school relationships. But later, we became really close friends because, like I said before, I just wanted to be near him, and anything was better than nothing. For a time, it was enough: this close friendship. We took to calling each other brother and sister, even though there was always something deeper—on my end at least. I began dating Jason into the middle of my sophomore year, and it ended up being him that caused the eventual rift between Collin and me. It’s a long and complicated story full of misunderstandings and conflicting emotions, but essentially Jason didn’t like how close Collin and I were. So when Collin caught Jason cheating on me with two different girls and told me about it, Jason spun it that Collin was just lying because Collin wanted me for himself. Even then, Jason held so much control over me and I was blinded by love for him, so I believed him.

I just wanted to be near him, and anything was better than nothing.

I told Collin I didn’t want to speak to him anymore and cut him completely from my life.That never sat well with me, how I left things with Collin, even after so many years later. A part of me felt broken. Like I had tossed away a vital part of myself in my own ignorance. It wasn’t until much later, after my abusive relationship and rape, that I began to realize what I had lost. Not only one of the closest friends I had ever had...but most likely the true love of my life. That realization hurt me more than I will ever be able to express. Fast forward to my senior year in college. It was two months after Eric had raped me, and I was still coming to grips with what had happened to me. I decided over MLK weekend to go back to my home town, which was four and a half hours away from my university, to see my sister. My friend Kira came with me to see where I had grown up and most likely to keep an eye on me. My sister decided to throw a small get-together for the occasion and asked me who I would like to invite, to which I told her I’d leave that up to her discretion. But when I thought more on it, there was one person I was actually dying to see again. Collin.

But when I thought more on it, there was one person I was actually dying to see again. Collin.

I knew my sister still kept in touch with him, and it would be nothing for her to invite him over. In the end, I mentioned to her that Collin and I had occasionally Snapchatted back and forth since I left Jason and that I wouldn’t be opposed to him being there. She assured me that she would tell him that he was more than welcome to stop by. In the days leading up to my visit, I agonized over seeing Collin again. What would I say to him? Now that I knew about Jason’s infidelities, should I apologize after all this time? Should I tell him that I still loved him?I never got to ask him any of those questions. Not at that party anyway. When the opportunity presented itself and he was in the same room as me once again, I froze. I couldn’t bring myself to approach him. When it came down to it, I was ashamed. I had ousted him from my life when he had just been trying to be a good friend. So much time had gone by. We were different people. Surely, he was over it.Those were all things I told myself. I was definitely not the same girl he knew from high school. I felt damaged. How could he ever love the person I had become?So I stayed away. I spent most of the night nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and watching him from across the room. We made some slight small talk, and that was it. I left that weekend with no more closure than I had before I got there. I wouldn’t talk to Collin again for nearly two more years.When I did finally reach out to him again, Marco and I were already married. My sister had reached out to me to tell me that Collin was going through the roughest time. His fiance had cheated on him with multiple people, his parents were getting divorced, and his place of work was on the verge of shutting down all within the same month. She told me she was worried about him and though he seemed to be holding it together, she wasn’t sure if he was actually okay. It wasn’t until a few days later that an “On This Day” post on Facebook got Collin and I talking again. At first it was just to catch up. Then it was for the ease with which we fell back into our friendship. And eventually, we were confiding in each other just like we used to. It was as if nothing had ever changed. He was happy that I had seemed to find someone who actually saw how lucky he was to have me, someone that seemed to cherish how special I was. Marco was all for me rebuilding this friendship. I had told him about Collin and how much I missed him, so he had no qualms when Collin came for a visit. We all had a great time together, and he and Marco seemed to really bond. Not long after we invited him to our second ceremony, and he accepted.

Then it was for the ease with which we fell back into our friendship. And eventually, we were confiding in each other just like we used to. It was as if nothing had ever changed.

However, not long after was when things started to go downhill with Marco and I. Even though I knew I could rely on Collin as a friend and someone I could go to to vent, I kept it from him. I didn’t want to burden him with my struggles, not after everything he had been through with his ex. He had enough on his shoulders. When Collin’s birthday came around, Marco had to go on an annual company retreat to Sweden. I would be alone in the apartment for a week since I didn’t have the vacation days to go with. Collin had nothing to do and after talking it over, we decided spending his birthday in the city sounded like lots of fun. Marco had no objections and seemed relieved that someone would be staying with me while he was gone.

It was just as it had always been with him: easy.

Collin and I had a blast during that weekend. I cooked great food, we watched anime, we drank Kraken and Cokes and had the best time. One night I took him out to my favorite sushi place, and then we hit a couple bars. It was just as it had always been with him: easy. Being near him was comfortable and right. I could be 100 percent myself with him and that was an experience I had never had with anyone else, not even Marco, who still wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. It was refreshing. At one point, Collin and I tried to hit up a club. I had researched it on Yelp and it was supposed to be popular. But when we got there, the club was dead. Hardly anyone was there, and it was peak club hours. But we were already drunk and having a good time, so we decided to stay for a drink before heading home.One drink turned into two, and we started reminiscing about our past—about how Jason had used and controlled me, and how I regretted pushing Collin away. Collin assured me that he held nothing against me, that it was in the past and we could move forward as friends. I don’t know if it was the booze or the feeling of that inescapable connection that had always existed between us, but I finally found the courage to tell Collin that no matter what, I still loved him. I told him that even after ten years, I still loved him as much as I had when I was fifteen and nothing would ever change that and that hopefully if by some miracle we got another chance, in another life, I would wait for him. All of my fears of his rejection melted away with his smile and he held my hand in his as he assured me that he had always felt the same way and that even if he had to wait into the next life, I would be worth the wait.That night after we left that club, I think both of us felt a little lighter. Vindicated.

He held my hand in his as he assured me that he had always felt the same way and that even if he had to wait into the next life, I would be worth the wait.

When I woke up the next morning, he was beside me. We had fallen asleep next to each other, but nothing had happened. When his eyes opened to look into mine, I told him I didn’t regret a single thing I said the night before. And neither did he. This changed nothing of our situation. I was married, pretending to be happily so. An eager bride-again-to-be awaiting the day she had been dreaming of her whole life. And Collin understood this. Because that is how it had always been with us. Life never seemed to line up just right, and we continued to miss each other. But just knowing how we felt about each other was enough. As it always had been. Because again, it was better than nothing at all.So when his stay came to an end, we parted as friends, if not a little closer. We were both excited to see each other again at my wedding, which was only two months away. And I’ll admit, when he left, I recognized the familiar feeling of something missing. I had lost something again. But I dismissed it as I always had and went back to my husband. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing. That things with Marco would get better once the stress of the second ceremony was over. I was going to live happily ever after after all. What I didn’t realize was that things were going to get so much worse.  Taking my chances in a reckless pursuit of loveI think I’ve found it, then I realize it’s not enoughAnother failure tells me I should have known not to hold faith in my feelings,They’re always misleading me