Acceptance is difficult. There are plenty of times when reality sucks and we want to pretend that our problems just don’t exist. And as much as we all wish it were true, rejecting reality doesn’t change it. In fact, rejecting and fighting reality can lead to suffering. 

One thing I was taught in therapy that I will always remember is that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. In life, and especially as a survivor or a supporter of a survivor, pain is going to happen and you can’t control it. Because you can’t control how others act, or what life throws at you. By fighting reality, it causes more pain and leads to suffering.  

In DBT, the skill used to accept harsh reality is called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is accepting the things that you can’t change. The ‘radical’ aspect to this is that it teaches you to accept something that is out of your control and you don’t like. The acceptance aspect to this is seeing reality for what it is. This can be done by acknowledging reality, recognizing and enduring pain, and not giving up or giving in.  

Below are the 10 steps to radical acceptance: 

1. Observe what it is that you are fighting/rejecting

2. Remind yourself that reality is as it is

3. Observe the causes of the reality you need to accept

4. Practice accepting with your whole self - mind, body, spirit by using positive self talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness, and/or imagery

5. Practice opposite action

6. Cope ahead for situations that might cause stress/triggers

7. Attend to body sensations as you think about what you need to accept

8. Allow pain, sadness, and disappointment - they’re natural emotions

9. Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain

10. Evaluate the pros and cons if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance

     

Another important part of radical acceptance is focusing on what radical acceptance is NOT. Radical acceptance is not approval or liking of the situation, it is not against change, and it is not passivity or giving up/in. Unfortunately, when dealing with grave issues such as abuse and coercion, we obviously do not like the reality. We do not have to like reality, but in order to end suffering, we must first accept what the reality is so that we can work on changing it and move forward.

-KelseyFlanagan