First things first,

If you have ever experienced any kind of sexual assault, the following post might be triggering for you. Even though I know I might trigger people, I'm convinced this part of me should get a voice. I need to free myself of this secret, really it is a secret. I never told anyone this part of my mind, because I'm ashamed and scared of what people will think of me. I must say, I can’t be the only one having this “problem” and that’s why I take the risk of opening up. I suppose this is a safe and open environment which will understand the underlying trauma. I will do my best, to not unnecessary trigger people. I’ll try my best to describe all the angles of this dark side of mine.So here we go.Since I was nine years-old, I understood the concept of “rape.” I knew what sex was; I knew it supposed to be fun. In my family we are very open about the subject of sex. I have an older brother who got educated quite well by my mother. She really taught him how to be a nice guy and respect girls. She even told him “girls should have pleasure too, you know.” As a single mom, she had the job to teach him even the “male” things. And of course, I heard a lot of these conversations. It was never taboo. Even in this open point of view, I got some twisted fantasies. I don’t mean the positive fantasies like winning the lottery. I got obsessed by the idea of getting raped. To be honest, I can’t even describe what this fantasy was like. I just knew it’s not okay to get sexually forced in any kind of way, but that’s exactly what should happen to me. I deserved to be raped, I deserved to not have pleasure. I searched on the internet for triggering videos. I fantasized about getting raped (believe me, I didn’t enjoy, because that’s the point of sexual abuse). At some point, I found myself masturbating with the intention to hurt myself, I should not like it. And if I even liked it for a tiny bit, should get rougher, my body wasn’t allowed to react.I feel extremely ashamed for all of these things, I'm embarrassed admitting I’m obsessed with the idea of getting raped. I'm obsessed with the thought of having sex with a lot of violence. I should get hurt or I'm not hurt enough. There are thousands of people who will hate me because of this, and I understand. These thoughts, these fantasies and ways of treating myself aren’t healthy. I should not be convinced that I should get raped somehow. When I hear people talk about sexual abuse, rape, or anything else in that theme, I get physically sick. I almost need to vomit, can’t talk straight, and have the need to cry. At times I hated myself for this. I'm a hypocrite who fantasized about rape yet get emotional hearing other people talking about it. I didn’t understand myself. Until about a month ago…I realized these fantasies aren’t for pleasure. The fact that I'm obsessed with sexual force isn’t for my own pleasure. And the way I treat my body during anything sexual is not because it’s fun. Because it’s not… I'm not sure if something like this “exists,” but in a way I’m raping myself over and over. I fantasize about it, I dream it, I’m looking for triggers and last but not least, I practice it. I rape myself because that’s what I deserve. I deserve to be hurt; I deserve to pleasure everything accept myself. I don’t want to be judged by anyone. I'm just absolutely honest about how I see myself. I'm learning to realize it’s not really my fault. I'm finding out where all of this is coming from, because it is unhealthy. These days I'm trying to realize that it can be different. I can be loved by myself. I should love myself enough to stop hurt myself sexually, over and over and over and over.Those thoughts are different than me as a person. Those are not the same. I'm not bad, those thoughts are! It’s really hard to figure this out myself but I can’t tell this to anyone. In my head it’s not clear enough that I shouldn’t hate myself for this. And until I'm still not convinced of the idea that I shouldn’t deserve to obsessively rape myself (physically and mentally), I just can’t share this dark side. Because I hate it, because I'm disgusted of myself. I just can’t share this… I just can’t!This is my first step of healing myself, allowing myself to feel the pain, allowing myself to have enough self-respect to free myself.This is not what I deserve, I want to free myself!Please don’t be too harsh on me…  ~written by Namasté allday~